A Test You May Actually Want to Take

A Test You May Actually Want to Take

It’s hard to admit it, but maybe teachers are on to something with midterm exams. Sure, many sleepless nights, empty coffee cups and gnawed pencils are often needed to pull off a good grade, but the test does serve a purpose. It gives you an idea of where you’re at in the class.

October is just shy of the time when most have midterms, but we challenge you to test yourself anyway. Since it’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it’s the perfect time to check the status of your relationship. For those not in a relationship, look at the criteria below and see if you’ve experienced any of these with a past relationship or maybe even with a friend.

If you find yourself mentally checking some of these behaviors, know that we’re here to talk about it with you.

Has your partner:

– Called you names, insulted you or continually criticized you?
– Not trusted you and acted jealous or possessive?
– Attempted to isolate you from family or friends?
– Monitored where you go, who you call and who you spend time with?
– Not wanted you to work?
– Controlled finances or refused to share money?
– Punished you by withholding affection?
– Expected you to ask permission?
– Threatened to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets?
– Humiliated you in any way?

If so, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Has your partner ever?

– Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.)?
– Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you?
– Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place?
– Scared you by driving recklessly?
– Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you?
– Forced you to leave your home?
– Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving?
– Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention?
– Used physical force in sexual situations?

If so, you may be in a physically abusive relationship.

Would you say your partner:

– Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles?
– Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships?
– Wants you to dress in a sexual way?
– Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names?
– Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts?
– Held you down during sex?
– Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you?
– Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex?
– Involved other people in sexual activities with you?
– Ignored your feelings regarding sex?

If so, you may be in a sexually abusive relationship.

If you ever need to talk, we’re here. 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453 TTY.

Comment section

37 replies
  1. This is the list that got me out of a two year toxic relationship. I went through it one day and started crying when I realized I could say yes to just about everything. I broke up with him that week and it was one of the best things I have ever done.

  2. I have never been abused or anything like that but i have a friend who has and it’s not easy to get out of a relationship like that……..

  3. Thanks for commenting Abby. The reality of it is hard, but prevention- and especially talking about these issues openly- can help us reach a point where this isn’t the reality we face.

  4. it’s hard to see a friend be abused in a relationship… you can always pass our website and number to any friend who may need it. thanks!

  5. i could answer yes to almost all of the questions, in the 2 first categorys. Its really hard to be in an abusive relationship, and leaving the relationship is even harder. Ita hard when your scared of not knowing what might happend, when you try ending the relationship.

  6. My dad is emotionally and Sometimes physically abusive upwards my mom. He is emotionally abusive to my brother and me. He has called us horrible names and have driven us outside of our house numerous times. He has threatened sucide. My parents are getting divorced and I couldn’t be happier.

  7. I’m in search of genuine advice and I decided this was a place to at least start. My partner and I have been together for about 8 months. There is a fairly large age gap (16 years), I’m 27 years old. I have been in abusive relationships and am desperate to not make the same mistake(s) again. I’m conflicted on deciding if this relationship is another one of these. I can say yes to almost the entire list in the first set of questions and a few from the second paragraph, list. My conflict is that my partner is menopausal but also has deep wounds of trust and abandonment. Where do I draw the line of accepting/supporting someones medical struggles.. she’s in therapy but not always proactive about seeking help..I attribute this SOMETIMES to depression that I feel she’s suffering from. I don’t want to hastily claim she is abusive but I do genuinely want to know exactly what is acceptable and what is not..

  8. I hav been off and on in dis relationship for 5 years…he never started being abusive until after about the first 2 years…and I no it’s stupid but I really love him…and he has threatened to hurt and kill him self if I left…i don’t like the way he treats me but I would never want anything bad 2 happen 2 him…what do I do?

  9. I’m soo confused I leave for three days and he get pissed and mad and said that u cheated on him an that I’m a stupid slut and I’m lucky to have him………and Im really tired of it. To the people who understand the pain o words <3

  10. I am kind of in a emotional abusive relationship, but he has a girlfriend.. I don’t know what to do. But he only criticizes me when we argue? Is that still emotional abuse?

  11. My daughter in a verbal and emotional relationship and is now pregnant. I have talked to her about the abuse on many occations and that she needs to get out of it. She knows it is wrong but will not give up on it yet. I just don’t know why it is so hard to leave when you know it is wrong. Is there a website for me to go to for help?

  12. i feel so stupid. After 2 weeks of knowing this guy- my best friend introduced me to him. And at first he was charming, so we started dating, and we eventually spent a year of our lives together as boyfriend and girlfriend. But after 4 months of dating, after we first had sex, he started calling me all kinds of names, looking through my phone, asking about who i was spending my time with, and he even started hitting me. Hitting lead eventually to full on beating. After we got physical, he would apologize. And i always forgave him because i thought i loved him. After 10 months he was trying to talk me inot moving in with him. Thankfully, I didn’t. Then August came around, and school was just around the corner- he suggested we take classes together and i thought nothing of it. It’s October now, and class is still in session- I broke up with him. But i still have to see him everyday. He even convinced me to be ‘just-friends’ with him, but he still hits me and acts like we’re still together. One day i was sick and he told everyone in all of our classes that we we’re still together. I have lost a gret deal of friends due to my never-ending relationship with him. This was my first relationship- ever, so i didn’t know what to expect, but i knew these certain things were not normal… I just don’t know what to do anymore.

  13. Ohh! I almost forgot! he also said that if i ever tried to get rid of him, that I’d need a restraining order. and when i told him i would get one- he said ‘my dad is chief of police, who do you think they’re going to believe?’.

  14. this list is a great thing to check every once in a while… reading this list made me realize that i was in a very toxic and abusive relationship, and how serious this really is ,and how important it is to get out of a relationship that is abusive

  15. Hey all,

    I am older than a teen now, but was in a very abusive relationship during college. I am so happy that this website exists and just so people know, there are a lot of local teen groups and campus groups that can help as well. If we all work together, we can really make a difference. I appreciate the existence of this website, because I know it would have helped me greatly.

  16. I have been in an abusive relationship, I was mentally abused and controlled before it turned physical. When it did turn physical the first time I did not tell anyone but my sister. Then second time that it happened I was on the phone with my sister while I was being punched in the face an on top of that I was 2 months pregnant with our child! It even took a year after that happened for me to realize that there is so much more to life. That more than anything my kids need me and that at the end of the day no body I mean no body is going to love my babies the way I love them! Letting someone beat on me and take my life away could mean my babies loosing their mother!

  17. Amber needs help! She one should not have custody of that child! Hopefully soon Gary can get on his feet and get his on place so that he can raise his daughter being the awesome father that he is without amber around because she acts like leah is her little sister instead of her daughter! Its a shame that the good men always find the wrong women and the good women always find the wrong men I just don’t undertstand…………

  18. I recently got out of an abusive relationship. I still have days where getting out of bed is hard, but I swear EVERY single day gets better and better. Even on the days that suck, I remember that tomorrow is a new day. Every step farther away I can feel pieces of myself coming back together. For anyone who read this and is still in denial or feels alone, or like that person is all they have. If you feel like you will never find better, just remember that you ARE better. Even alone, you are better than some person making you feel like dirt. Getting up is hard, then taking a step is hard, and one day you’ll realize you’ve gone a month without crying and you’ll know that you’re running. It’s just taking that first step.

  19. I was in a abusive relationship for 3 yrs. Where I was not allowed to see my family or talk to my friends. I was never allowed to leave anywhere without him knowing. When I did I would get beat up. When I had my baby brother I wanted to leave and he punched me in my face with my baby brother in my arms.

    I never felt safe because he would be loving one moment and mean the next. When I finally got out I was 12 wks pregnant but because of all the abuse I lost the baby. So please, even with one slap or push get out.

  20. i went through an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Getting away from him was the best thing i ever did, and although it took me months to start being able to cope with being out of that relationship i know it was the right thing to do. The things from that expierience do still haunt me and everyonce in a while out of no where a persons slightest action will cause vivid flashbacks and they wont even notice what happened. It took me 10 months of being out of that relationship so regain anyfaith ir trust in guys but recently ive been able to move on and let someone else in… i just wish i knew how to tell him about what i went through…

  21. I really hated going threw this because I noticed saying yes to these questions really made me think about my relationship, the boy I was with was a horrible man and was always sexually assulting me and touching me in ways that hurt he beat me and locked me in rooms for hours at a time. He made me lose my family relationships because he wouldn’t let me tell them anything it was very hard

  22. @DEBBIE
    I am 20 years old and just recently got out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. My parents supported the good and bad decisions I made in my relationship and I realize now that when I look back at all the times I may not have agreed with the decisions they made because they weren’t what I wanted, they were just trying to make me open my eyes and see that the person I thought loved me more than anybody didn’t love me at all. Someone who loves you doesn’t put you down or physically hurt you. I had been abused on many occasions and I really couldn’t explain why I kept putting up with it. But now I have so much more to deal with than just a broken heart and some bruises; things like court and protective orders, and I tell myself, how much easier could this have been if I had walked away the first time it happened? So I guess what I’m trying to say is that no child, girl, or woman should ever allow someone to have the gift of their love and life if they aren’t going to cherish it wholely and respectfully. For any of you who take the time to read this please just love yourself and get out of an abusive relationship before you end up more hurt than you may be now!

  23. I’m not a teenager but I just want teenagers to know what I go through and to get out of it as soon as it starts.I’ve been in a physically abusive relationship for about 4 years now,we’ve actually been together for almost 7 years now. But it’s really hard to get out of because we have kids together and I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me, because there are times when we’ve been broke up for months and I’ll still get back with him, when he wants to get back together. But our relationship started out real good and all of a sudden he started pulling my hair and calling me names, now it’s way worse he hits me,kicks me,bites me anything you can think of…..he probably did it. I’ve called the cops on him most of the time, but that don’t seem to help. I just want the young teenagers to know that it really is best if you get out of the relationship as soon as abuse starts because the longer you stay the harder it’s gonna be to get out.

  24. i as well have been in an abusive relationship. i always wondered if what was going on was really abuse but after i broke up with my ex i checked out the questions and like others i answered yes to most of em:(

  25. I am a 28 year old young woman coming out of an abusive relationship of seven years the first two years were great then after I had my son with my husband that’s when all of the physical and emotional abuse started he would beat me for no reason I was not alowed to have friends and slowly he took me away from my family I knew that if I continued in that relationship It was going to end up really bad he has six domestic violence charges and of course always blamed me for everything from cheating with men and woman this guy was crazy I came to a point in my life were I was thinking of doing so many crazy stuff buy always thought about my children. I filed for divorce at the beginning of the year and he came to pick my son up one day and said that he was willing to change and stop drinking so I believed him and went back thing went from bad to worst and he put me in jail for slapping him in the face now I’m serving probation and domestic violence classes it wasn’t worth it if u are in a abusive relationship please get out while u can before it’s to late now I’m learnig from my mistakes and no longer in that relationship.

  26. I’am 21 yrs old and i jus got out of a emotionally and physically abusive relationship. My ex bf use to beat the hell out of me and i was to afraid to ask for help and i finally get a enough balls to get myself away from him. And now im live in washington state with my new man and yes he’s in the army and I’am pregnant with his baby..

  27. there are alot of things written that have been told in many relationships, but when the guns of anger are loaded and the sights are on the one or ones we love we fire that gun, knowing full well as there one that loves back there only reaction is to leave, there is a verse in the vows we speak at our weddings, and thats through sickness and through health…………..if were sick, then there is that mothering instinct to try and fix what is broken……..find the tools in your tool box and treat one with kitten gloves rather then the other side of a shot gun!!!!!

  28. ive never been to this website and i just seen it at the end of teen mom…Well so im visting to figure out what type of relatonship i was previously in, and i was in a physically and emotionally abusive one..so after 5 yrs and 2 kids later i finally had enough one night when i had came home from work and there was 3 females in my house and i had told him and them to get the f**k out of my house. Went up the stairs to pack his things and thats where it all started being thrown around the room by my hair and arms being thrown into closets,dressers,doors and the bed all the mean while while my kids are in the same room sleeping. but that wasnt it i told him it was over and he said no its not it will never be over and went down the stairs and grabbed a serrated knife and said if he was leaving then i was to and he didnt care if he went to jail for the rest of his life..after that he left but didnt go far went and sat on my car so i couldnt leave after that i called the police and they czme and got hime and i went via ambulance to the hospital with a concussiin and severe brusing…after that was all said and done he spent to months in jail and is currently on house arrest and gps when he leaves for the first 90 days and 415 days probation supervised visitation with the kids and a nco with me…this all happened July 29,2010…since this happend i lost a job had to move back in with my parent and had to take a lower paying job just to get by and buy things that my kids need…and still have to look over my shoulder constently to make sure his family is not following me this is the life i live everyday and i sucks…so i am currently trying to move out of state to a friends house but i have limited funds to do so with…

  29. I have been through almost all of it with my now ex-boyfriend in jail…..We have been together about six and half years, I love this website because this helps me realize I’m in this crazy abusive relatioship……Thank you sooo much!!!! I’m soo happy now, because he can’t see me ever and never be near me, My dad is police officer and also saved my life from getting beating alot. It’s safe to me when I’m with my dad and my family…..I decide not to date anybody until I graduate high school and college!!

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