Martina’s Tips for Parents
As the mother of a teenage daughter, I know how hard it can be for parents to open up the dialogue about dating and relationships. However, I also know how important it is to help set guidelines and realistic expectations for your teen about dating before they actually begin. One bad experience can start a negative pattern of relationships. Here are my top 10 most important ways a parent can prepare his/her child for the dating world:
1. Analyze your own dating values before you speak with your kids. How do you expect men and women to act in a relationship? How should decisions be made? How should disagreements be handled? You need to assess your views and be able to explain your reasoning.
2. Provide some unspoken “rules of dating†– Give your teen some clear examples of appropriate behavior in a dating relationship. Talk to them about the standards of conduct you expect rather than letting uncontrolled outside influences be their only source of information.
3. Tell the whole truth…the good and the ugly – Teens generally view dating very romantically, and you should definitely support these expectations. However, you also need to be realistic with them about the bad things that can happen. Let them know that violence is never acceptable. Give them suggestions or phrases to help them get out of difficult situations safely.
4. Teach assertiveness, not aggressiveness – It is crucial to teach your teen that if they do not want to do something, they need to say so. Teens need to make their feelings known by stating their opinions, desires and reactions clearly. However, when there is conflict and things cannot be settled, they need to take a break and cool down before feelings get hurt.
5. Teach anger control – It is very important to help your teen recognize their personal warning signs for anger. Teach them to calm down by taking a few deep breaths, visualizing a happy memory, etc. If all that fails, they just need to walk away.
6. Teach problem solving – When confronted with a tough issue, have your child determine what exactly happened and what may have caused the situation. Then, ask them to think of several different ways the issue could have been resolved. Have them consider consequences of each alternative and discuss their choice.
7. Teach negotiation – Being able to compromise is a skill even adults struggle with. However, you need to help your teen understand that compromising and taking turns are positive steps to a healthy relationship and that violence, threats and insults have no place in a respectful negotiation.
8. Warn them about red flags – Teach your teen to recognize that thoughts of aggression are signals of frustration that need to be acknowledged and recognized. They also need to realize that any incident of violence in a relationship is a predictor of very serious problems that may not only continue, but escalate in the future.
9. Establish an open and honest relationship – Secrecy that isolates teems from friends and family is not acceptable and can be the first sign of manipulation and coercion. Teach them that being strong means relying on the appropriate authorities when necessary.
10. Be a role model – Children and teens learn by observing those around them, especially their parents. It is critical that you respect yourself, your partner and other people if you want your teen to do the same.
