Do abusive partners change?
Is your relationship really becoming abuse-free? Answer yes or no to the following questions to find out. Make sure to check the box to record your responses. At the end, you’ll find out how to score your answers.
Is my partner more receptive of my opinions and activities than they were in the past?
Is my partner open to talking about how their behaviors make me feel?
Is my partner openly seeking professional help because they really do want to change?
Is my partner accepting responsibility for their actions and acknowledging their behavior was unhealthy and unacceptable?
Does my partner get upset when I express a different opinion?
Does my partner have a possessive attitude towards me and my actions?
Does my partner act like the victim for having to change?
Does my partner believe that I owe him or her something for changing?
Does my partner blame me for our problems?
Does my partner make excuses for abusive behavior, past and present?
Does my partner dismiss how much I was hurt by the abuse?
Does my partner not take my feelings seriously, especially those about the abuse?
Does my partner use small signs of disrespect, like eye-rolling?
Does my partner hurt me physically, even if the violence doesn't seem like a big deal, like pulling hair?
Does my partner substitute violence with intimidation, like punching the wall beside me instead of punching me?
Does my partner use pressure or guilt when it comes to our sex life?
Does my partner substitute violence with abusive language or emotional abuse?
Does my partner use methods of intimidation, control or humiliation?
Does my partner fall back on abusive behavior when we have arguments?
If you scored 1-4 points, you may be noticing some positive changes in your partner. Progress is a great thing. However, it is still a good idea to keep an eye out for any signs that abusive behaviors are returning, even small ones. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore your intuition, it can be telling you something.
And remember, even if your partner has made changes in their behavior, you are never obligated to stay in the relationship. Remind yourself that you deserve to be safe and healthy, no matter what you choose.
If you scored 5 or more points, your partner still has a lot of work to do. Even though your partner has agreed to change, they are still hurting you. You may want to seriously consider leaving the relationship and ending contact with them.
Remember, the most important thing is your safety. Whether you decide to leave or stay, have a safety plan ready to better protect yourself. And if you want more information about your options, start a chat with a peer advocate at www.loveisrespect.org.
Want to learn more or talk about your score?