Is your relationship really becoming abuse-free? Answer “often,” “sometimes” or “never” to the following questions to find out. Make sure to write down your responses. At the end, you’ll find out how to score your answers.
My Partner (Often, Sometimes or Never):
- Is receptive to my opinions and activities?
- Is open to talking about how their current and past behaviors make me feel?
- Is openly seeking professional help because they really do want to change?
- Accepts responsibility for their actions and acknowledges their behavior was unhealthy and unacceptable?
- Gets upset when I express a different opinion?
- Blames me for our problems?
- Makes excuses for abusive behavior, past and present?
- Uses small signs of disrespect, like eye-rolling?
- Has a possessive attitude towards me and my actions?
- Acts like the victim for having to change? Believes that I owe him or her something for changing?
- Dismisses how much I was hurt by the abuse? Doesn’t take my feelings seriously, especially those about the abuse?
- Hurts me physically, even if the violence doesn’t seem like a big deal, like pulling hair?
- Calls me names, swears or intimidates me instead of being physically violent?
- Punches the wall beside me instead of punching me?
- Uses pressure and guilt when it comes to our sex life?
- Falls back on abusive behavior when we have arguments?
Questions 1-4: Often: -5, Sometimes: -3, Never: 5
Questions 5-8: Often: 5, Sometimes: 1, Never: 0
Questions 9-11: Often: 10, Sometimes: 5, Never: 0
Questions 12-16: Often: 50, Sometimes: 25, Never: 0
Now that you’re finished and have your score, the next step is to find out what your score means. Simply take your total score and see which of the paragraphs below applies to you.
Score: 0 or Less Points
You got a negative score or a zero? Don’t worry — it’s a good thing! You’re probably noticing some positive changes in your partner. Progress is a great thing so enjoy how far your relationship has come. Just remember to keep an eye out for any of the old behavior — a partner who abused you in the past is more likely to do so again.
Score: 1-5 Points
If you scored 1-5 points, you may be noticing some positive changes in your partner but it probably still doesn’t feel quite right. Keep an eye out for any signs that abusive behaviors are returning, even small ones. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore your intuition, it can be telling you something.
And remember, even if your partner has made changes in their behavior, you are never obligated to stay in the relationship. Remind yourself that you deserve to be safe and healthy, no matter what you choose. Chat with a peer advocate for more information.
Score: 6-10 Points
If you scored 6-10 points, your partner still has a lot of work to do. Even though your partner has agreed to change, they are still hurting you. Remember, the most important thing is your safety. Whether you decide to leave or stay, have a safety plan ready to better protect yourself. And if you want more information about your options, start a chat with a peer advocate.
Score: 11-50 Points
If you scored 11-50 points, your partner is still showing abusive behavior. Even if they’re not physically hurting you anymore, they haven’t decided to treat you as an equal like you deserve. Consider chatting with a peer advocate to discuss your options — whether that’s ending the relationship or creating a plan to stay safe while you’re still together.
Score: More Than 50 Points
If you scored 50 or more points, it doesn’t seem like your partner is changing at all. They may have switched up their tactics — punching the wall instead of you — but they’re still trying to exert power and control over you. We understand if you feel disappointed and frustrated. It’s really hard what you’re going through. Why don’t you chat with one of our peer advocates? We’re here 24/7 to help.