Emotionally cheating

We talk a lot about the importance of trust and setting boundaries in a healthy relationship. Your boundaries help define what’s important to you and help you feel safe. It’s really important for partners to talk about and know each other’s boundaries. You also need to be able to trust that the other person won’t cross or ignore them.

When certain boundaries are crossed in a relationship, it’s sometimes called “cheating.” What people consider cheating can be a range of things; it’s really about what each person considers a violation of trust and boundaries. You and your partner may decide that one of your boundaries is not seeking out or forming sexual relationships with people outside of your relationship. If that type of physical boundary is violated, it’s considered cheating.

Some people also believe that a partner can emotionally cheat. The idea of emotional cheating can be a little more complicated.

Emotionally cheating

We hear from people who believe that their partners are “emotionally” cheating because they have deep or important relationships with others. This idea of emotional cheating can have strong roots in the belief that once someone has a romantic partner, that person should be the priority over everyone else and that relationship must be the deepest and most intimate. But this belief is problematic for a few different reasons.

To start, it’s important to keep in mind that every relationship is different. Every person is comfortable sharing different things with different people. It’s healthy for people who are in a romantic relationship to also have deep friendships with people outside of the relationship. That could be a friendship with a co-worker, close relationships with family members or a friendly connection with a teammate.

In a healthy relationship, it’s okay for someone to prioritize different people at different times. If a romantic partner takes issue with this and believes that they must be the only deep connection in their partner’s life, that is a red flag. It can lead to behaviors that isolate their partner or control who they see.

This belief about emotional cheating can also stem from jealousy or insecurity. Oftentimes, some people don’t believe their partners should have any kind of relationship with other people they could potentially be attracted to (for example, a girl in a same-sex relationship might not think her girlfriend should be friends with other girls). However, trying to control who your partner talks to or spends time with is an unhealthy behavior that can become abusive.

Trust

We either choose to trust someone or we don’t. When trust is the foundation of a relationship, those who are in the romantic relationship believe that their partner will choose to respect the boundaries that have been previously agreed upon, regardless of who they are around. Jealousy and insecurities may crop up from time to time for some people. However, they are not excuses to try and control what a partner does. If a romantic partner is using their insecurities as a reason to try to dictate who their partner can be friends with, that is also a red flag.

If you’re feeling uncomfortable about something in your relationship, you have the right to bring it up in a respectful way. Try to use “I” statements (like, “I feel uncomfortable when…” or “I would like for us to…”). Try not to attack, accuse, or make demands of your partner. It’s important for this to be a conversation. Everyone should feel free and safe to express their feelings. It’s also important to think about and discuss each other’s needs and boundaries. Remember: a healthy boundary protects and respects a person. An unhealthy boundary seeks to control or harm another person.

Both partners in a healthy relationship should feel free to live their own lives. This includes having friends or emotional connections with people outside the relationship. If you feel like you can’t trust your partner and need to check up on them, or if you feel extremely jealous of their friends and how they spend their time, then you may want to reconsider whether the relationship is right for you.

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