Loveisrespect.org

Putting Media to the Test

Feb 25, 2015

This post was written by Mikaela, a loveisrespect advocate.

Here at loveisrespect, we’re all about building and nurturing healthy relationships, but unfortunately the media is not always on the same page. As much as we love ‘em, a lot of our favorite movies, songs, video games, etc. are failing miserably when it comes to depicting relationships in a realistic and healthy way. There’s a widespread misconception in media that drama = passion and possessiveness = caring, and while those ideas may look romantic on the big screen, in the real world they are anything but.  

In honor of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we’ve decided to dissect some media and put it to the test. The Healthy Relationship test, that is! Below are the music videos for three chart-toppers from 2014. 

To test them, we’re going to focus on both the lyrics and the imagery. The lyrics are important, but they only tell us half the story. Every music video is full of unspoken messages in the ways that the characters look and behave, and sometimes those pictures are worth a thousand words.  

Check out the videos below and let’s see where they rate on the relationship spectrum

“Jealous” by Nick Jonas

Key Lyrics:

“I have a right to be hellish” 
“You’re too sexy, beautiful, and everyone wants a taste. That’s why I still get jealous” 
“I don’t like the way he’s looking at you. I’m starting to think you want him too” 
“I wish you didn’t have to post it all. I wish you’d save a little bit just for me” 

Imagery: 

This video is a good example of the way imagery can affect the meaning. In "Jealous" there is no talk of physical violence in the lyrics, but there are several shots in the music video of Nick being violent and aggressive by breaking things and hitting punching bags. While it’s not directed at a person, it is still a sign that he is choosing to use violence to express his feelings, which is a warning sign for physical abuse

So let’s see some of the red flags from the quiz for Nick:

  • Tries to control what I do and who I see: YES
  • Understands that we have separate interests and can spend time apart: NO
  • Constantly checks up on me or makes me check in: YES
  • Accuses me of flirting or cheating when I’m not: YES
  • Gets extremely jealous or possessive: YES
  • Thinks I spend too much time trying to look nice: YES
  • Controls what I wear or how I look: YES

SCORE: (5+) Serious signs of unhealthy or abusive behavior.  

According to the quiz, Nick’s behavior is very unhealthy and he should definitely take some time to assess his jealousy issues and work on his behavior. Sorry Nick, but it’s NOT your right to be hellish. Trust is a decision that you make, not something that your partner has to earn or prove. While you can’t always control how you feel, your actions are always a choice and jealousy is never an excuse to control or restrict your partner. 

Myth: Jealousy and trust issues are normal and are actually signs of how much a person cares. 

Fact: While everyone may feel a bit jealous sometimes, distrust and excessive jealousy are very unhealthy in a relationship. Getting jealous may seem like a sign of how much your partner cares, but in a healthy relationship you should feel cared for while also feeling trusted and free to act and dress as you please. 

 

“Blank Space” by Taylor Swift 

Key Lyrics: 

“You can tell me when it's over If the high was worth the pain” 
“Love’s a game. Wanna play?”
“I get drunk on jealousy. But you'll come back each time you leave” 
“Boys only want love if it's torture.”

Imagery:

Granted, this song’s intention was to make fun of the way people view Taylor Swift as a heartbreaker, but when we watched the music video, we found some very disturbing imagery. There are images of extreme violence, aggression and intimidation that are treated as being normal, acceptable and even romantic when they are actually very unhealthy and abusive.  

So how did Taylor Swift do on the quiz?

  • Grabs, pushes, shoves, chokes, punches, slaps, holds me down, throws things or hurts me in some way. YES
  • Threatens to hurt themselves, me, my friends, pets or family. YES
  • Threatens to destroy my things. YES
  • Breaks or throws things when we fight. YES
  • Yells, screams or humiliates me in front of other people. YES

SCORE: (5+) Serious signs of unhealthy or abusive behavior. 

The video starts out looking very glamorous and romantic, but it takes a turn towards some very serious and abusive behavior when Taylor starts yelling, hitting and breaking things to scare, hurt and control her partner.  

Myth: Fighting a lot is just part of being in a relationship and it’s normal for fights to turn physical when things get really heated. It’s a sign of how intense the love is. 

Fact: While every couple faces conflicts sometimes, fighting regularly is a sign that one or both partners may have some unhealthy relationship behaviors or expectations. And no matter how upset someone is, there is NEVER an excuse for physical intimidation or violence

 

“Animal” by Maroon 5

Warning: This video contains graphic imagery that some viewers may find disturbing or triggering.

Key Lyrics: 

“Maybe you think that you can hide, I can smell your scent for miles” 
“It's like we can't stop, we're enemies.” 
“Baby, I'm preying on you tonight. Hunt you down eat you alive” 

Imagery:

There are several shots that suggest that the main character in the video (Adam Levine) is following a woman, watching her and photographing her without her knowledge. This behavior is known as stalking and is very unhealthy. On top of that, there’s a lot of very violent imagery, including blood and dead animals. All together it makes for a very concerning and ominous tone.

Here’s what stood out from the quiz:

  • Pressures, guilts or forces me into having sex or going farther than I want to. YES
  • Makes me feel nervous or like I’m "walking on eggshells.” YES
  • Gets extremely jealous or possessive. YES
  • Threatens to hurt me. YES
  • Understands that I have my own life too. NO
  • Constantly checks up on me or makes me check in. YES 

SCORE: (5+) Serious signs of unhealthy or abusive behavior. 

While he may think he’s showing us how passionately he feels, what Adam’s really showing is a pretty scary lack of respect for this woman’s privacy and boundaries, and that’s definitely not okay.  The lyrics also have some big red flags for possessiveness and objectification, which is very unhealthy. He talked about her as “prey” that he is pursuing, which dehumanizes her and equates her to an thing to obtain by force, rather than an autonomous and equal person. Viewing someone as unequal is the first step to feeling that you have the right to control and hurt them, so we think that this puts “Animal” squarely in the abuse category. 

Myth: When you love someone a lot, it’s okay to contact them repeatedly without their permission or show up uninvited to see them. You can’t help yourself. Plus, refusing to take ‘no’ for an answer will show them how much you care and convince them to be with you. 

Fact: Unwanted contact is not okay and could be considered harassment or stalking. If you really care about someone, that should include caring about their boundaries and respecting their right to space and privacy. 

 

At first glance, these may seem like songs of love and passion, but in reality, these videos and lyrics depict really unhealthy or abusive relationships.  If you have questions or comments about why these videos scored like they did, chat with one of our peer advocates.

Now it’s your turn! Know of some songs or videos that you think depict an unhealthy relationship? Run them through our Healthy Relationship Quiz and tell us about the results on our Facebook post

NDVH

The National Domestic Violence Hotline, a partner of loveisrespect, provides 24/7 support, resources, and hope to victims of domestic violence, their friends, and family. Learn more at www.thehotline.org

Posted in Pop Culture | No comments

Actress/Singer Debby Ryan Joins Mary Kay to Speak Out Against Dating Abuse

Feb 25, 2015

We were so excited last week when our partner, Mary Kay, confirmed Debby Ryan as their newest cause champion! She recently met with Kristin Campbell, our chief development officer, to learn more about loveisrespect’s online chat and text-for-help services.  They also discussed the resources available through loveisrespect and talked about healthy relationships, power and control and how to help someone who may be experiencing abuse.

NDVH

The National Domestic Violence Hotline, a partner of loveisrespect, provides 24/7 support, resources, and hope to victims of domestic violence, their friends, and family. Learn more at www.thehotline.org

Posted in News | 0

Teen DV Month: Healthy/Unhealthy Relationships in the Media

Feb 23, 2015

The last week of Teen DV Month is here! Reading your responses and messages over the past few weeks has been so awesome. Thank you for getting involved! For a recap of last week’s responses to our #LIRasks question, click here

NDVH

The National Domestic Violence Hotline, a partner of loveisrespect, provides 24/7 support, resources, and hope to victims of domestic violence, their friends, and family. Learn more at www.thehotline.org

Posted in Take Action | 0

Healthy Relationships Quiz Am I A Good Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Quiz Do Abusers Change? Quiz How Would You Help? Quiz