Building Trust After Cheating

Building Trust After Cheating

A terrible thing has happened. You found out your partner cheated on you. What happens now?

For some people, cheating means an automatic break-up. But others may still have feelings for their partner, and depending on the circumstances they may want to try and keep the relationship going. A lot of people who contact us ask: how do I build trust again after my partner cheats?

As hard as this might be to hear, it’s important to remember that there is no way to 100% guarantee that your partner will never cheat again. Your partner has to make the choice not to cheat, and you can’t control other people’s decisions. However, you can choose whether or not to trust your partner again. Rebuilding trust is possible. It does take a lot of work, and BOTH partners have to be committed to healing the relationship.

Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Communication should be open. Healthy communication is important in any relationship, but especially after trust has been broken. You should be able to talk honestly with your partner, and you should feel that your partner is being open and honest with you. If you have an argument, try to fight fair without bringing up the past.

Be on the same team. Your relationship may not look the same on the “other side,” but it is possible to build something new. You should both be focused on building that new relationship together.

Stay “present-oriented.” One of the most difficult things about rebuilding trust after someone cheats is staying in the present moment and building toward the future, rather than living in or worrying about the past. You have every right to feel hurt, angry, and sad about your partner’s decision to cheat. However, if you can’t eventually let go of those feelings and work toward a more positive, open approach to the relationship, it may be a sign that this relationship is not worth staying in.

Trust yourself. This might be the most important (and hardest) thing to do. You might be questioning your own instincts at this point: “Should I have done something differently?” “Shouldn’t I have seen this coming?” But learning to trust yourself, your own feelings, and that you’ll be okay moving forward is key to having a healthy relationship with anyone. If something doesn’t feel right, rethink about whether or not it’s right for you.

As you are rebuilding your relationship, remember the following:

  • Cheating is never an excuse to be abusive toward your partner. There is no excuse for abuse.
  • Cheating does not mean your partner has no right to privacy anymore. It’s not healthy to demand that they share their cell phone or social media passwords with you, or constantly check up on them and make them prove that they are telling you the truth. What you share with each other is still a decision for each of you to make. Again, it will be your choice to trust or not trust your partner.

If You’re the One Who Cheated

If you cheated on your partner, and you both have decided to try and make your relationship work again, there are a few things you need to do:

Take responsibility. Own up to your behaviors, and be understanding about how those behaviors have made your partner feel. Be honest with yourself as to why you made the decision to cheat.

Keep promises. Call when you say you’ll call. Do what you say you’re going to do. Show that you are worthy of trust.

Give your partner space. They will be angry and hurt about what you did, and they have a right to feel and express their feelings. Sometimes it might seem like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back, but you must recognize that this process takes time. Trust cannot be rebuilt overnight. However, like we said above, your partner does not have the right to be abusive toward you, and you still have a right to your own privacy.

Communicate openly. Find out what your partner needs. Really listen to them. Be honest with your partner about what you need. Are you willing and able to meet your partner’s needs, and vice versa? If not, it might be time to reconsider whether staying in the relationship is right for both of you.

Are you dealing with cheating in a relationship and need someone to talk to? Call, text, or chat online with one of our peer advocates today. We can help!

Comment section

91 replies
  1. Hello
    My partner cheated on me via facebook/text with 5 women over the course of our 3 year relationship. He admits to sending and receiving sexual pics/texts and phone conversations. He did not come clean until I caught him. He is going to counseling and so am I (each separately). I initially moved out for a few months and after reconsidering/his apologies, commitment to us and to continue therapy I moved back in. Things are going fairly well, so far. I demanded his email/facebook/access to phone etc. as a contingency to me moving back in. He actually chose to delete his facebook, which I did not request, because he feels it was a temptation for him. Anyway, my hope was to eventually in time give him back his privacy but I don’t feel it’s unreasonable to want this reassurance. I have yet to actually read his texts or anything but it just gives me a little feeling of security. I don’t want to be humiliated and go back down that road again. Oh, he also had an innappropriate thing going on with a coworker that he still works with. No physical but pics/convos etc. He admits that he did these things to control the other women since he was unable to control me. I feel it was like punishment in a way. Anyway, why do you think it’s unreasonable for me to want access to social media, considering the circumstances?

    1. Hello Violet,

      Thank you for sharing your story with our online community. That sounds like a very hurtful situation. It’s understandable that your trust was broken after your partner violated those boundaries. Your wellbeing is important and I’m glad to hear that you took steps to take care of yourself such as moving out and seeing a counselor.

      I can see why it would be tempting to want access to your partner’s social media accounts and phone however, this is an unhealthy and potentially abusive behavior that is never okay not matter what the situation is. Trust is not something to be earned but rather given or not. Any attempt to control your partner, rather than trusting and respecting them to make their own decisions, creates unhealthy power dynamics. Access to a partner’s social media creates the potential for digital abuse.

      Working towards a healthy relationship and trying to rebuild trust after cheating is really difficult and confusing. I encourage you to contact us directly and our advocates can talk about your situation with you. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474, by text, or by chat through our website. Thank you for reaching out and for your commitment to having healthy relationships.

      Take care,
      LIR Advocate RG

    2. Omg! We have such a similar story. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have 5 children together. Over the past 8 years our relationship has been rocky but for the past 2 years our relationship has been downhill. I recently just found out that he has been confiding in another woman that works with him and who still works with him. He will not admit to any kind of physical relationship but admits that she is his go to person if he needs to talk. She calls him baby, handsome, and toldhim she wishes she could see him. Those were the only texts I was able to view. He swears that everything is over and they are no longer communicating that way. However, my trust is not there and I too have the urge to see his phone but he refuses. I have done things in the past that made him not trust me and I understand. He wants me to put this behind us and to work on our marriage. But I can’t stop thinking about all the “maybes” that may have happened. I don’t know how to move forward. How are you coming along?

      1. Anee,

        Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you have some concerns about trust in your relationship, and I’m so glad that you’re taking time to explore our website. It can be really hard to figure out how to move forward after trust has been damaged in a relationship. If you would like to talk more about your situation and your concerns, you’re welcome to reach out to us directly and talk with a peer advocate about what you’re going through. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474 or through live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org.

      2. What happens when you tried everything to trust him, but your gut tells you differently? My husband did exactly what Anee’s did. His mistress’ husband suspected the same & called me at work to inform me. Mine insisted they did nothing wrong only talk. He said I was nuts & said she was only a friend & made an ultimatum that I would have to be ok with her as his friend if I wanted to really make it work. I asked him to give us a fair chance & stop talkng to her because she was a distraction to us. He agreed, but lied. He would call, text, instagram, messenger, groupme, twitter, create different email accounts to communicate with her. I caught a glimpse of her kissing him on his phone when he was scrolling & showing me pictures. He got caught. I found love letters inappropriate pics to eachother. He said he would end it, like the many times before but never did. He made me feel like I was handing an innocent man when I confronted him about our minutes & saw the calls to her. I found a receipt from a shop near where I worked, he confessed to having lunch with her. He always told me he couldn’t meet me for lunch b/c I was too far, he wouldn’t have time, he had to get back in time to pick up our son from school. I work a few blocks away from where she works. Am I out of line calling her to find out where he is? He was with her the last time I called making me & my son wait for an hour so that he could give his “friend (& her 3 kids) a ride” to her car. My son & I walked 2 miles to get to the same lot.

        1. Hello Reece,

          Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like your partner has done a lot to hurt you and that his behavior towards you continues to be disrespectful. It is more than understandable that you do not trust him as he consistently violates the boundaries of the relationship. Rebuilding trust after cheating takes work on behalf of both partners. From what you have described, not only is he not putting in work to rebuild trust, he continues to behave in ways that breaks the trust.

          It seems like a really upsetting situation and please know that we are always here for you. If you would like, you can reach out to us directly and our advocates can offer support and discuss your relationship with you. You can reach us 24/7 by phone 1-866-331-9474 or through online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/

          Take care,
          Advocate RG

  2. My bf of one year cheated on me with a co- worker. I felt something was wrong a month prior to him confessing to me and his parents and children. Devastated doesn’t come close to how I felt. His Ex cheated and I’ve been cheated on 4 times. I love this man deeply and he loves me as well. Its been 2weeks since he told me and we have good and bad days. I am hoping to trust in him fully but know it will take time. I still get shaken up when he doesn’t contact me right away but keep it in my head that he IS NOT going to hurt me again. He felt shame..regret.. and fear of losing me due to the bad choice he AND the other woman made. I pray daily that our love will conquer this and feel it will.

    1. Hello Kimberely,

      Having someone you care about break your trust is very devastating. Moving forward from cheating in a relationship is possible however it may take time for you to fully heal from this. Trust is essential for a relationship to be healthy. You have a right to take the actions you need to feel secure and to be able to give your trust to you partner again. Both you and your partner deserve to be in a healthy relationship where each other is respected and the boundaries of the relationship are respected. If you would like to reach out to an advocate about what you are experiencing, we are here 24/7 on chat, by calling 1-866-331-9474, and by texting “loveis” to 22522.

      Take Care
      LIR Advocate LC

  3. Hello, My partner was cheated on me but when I confront him he don’t want to come clear to me and this happen six year ago also he never had to discuss the issues with or apologies now when I confront him he said he don’t remember some the things he did and other answer he said he was not really having an affair with the lady. Do I really have to rebuild trust with this man? He want us to put the past behind us because he feels like he want to marry. To be honest with you I’m convinced with his answers.
    Please advice me.

    1. Hello Nthabi,

      Having a partner not be truthful with what has happened in the past is very confusing. If you do not want to rebuild trust with him, you do not have to do that. You have a right to be happy and to take the steps you need to have a fulfilling life. Trust is essential for a relationship to be healthy and if you find yourself unable to trust the person that you are with, it may be time to reevaluate if this the right relationship for you. If you would like to reach out to an advocate about what is going on, we are here 24/7 on chat, at 1-866-331-9474, and by texting “loveis” to 22522.

      Take Care,
      LIR Advocate – LC

  4. Hello, I went snooping through my BF phone and seen where he has been sexting his ex girlfriend (his first love) for months. He does it while I’m asleep next to him or after I go to work! Our sex life is great and he is telling me the same thing as her! He has even bought a plane ticket to fly her to the hotel he will be at when he goes out of town! I have relocated to his town with my kids and know no one! I love him so much and this is his only flaw. But, he is mad at me for looking through his phone. What do I do? Please help! Could counseling even help?

    1. Hi Monica,

      Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like your boyfriend has betrayed your trust and overstepped the boundaries of the relationship in a very hurtful and disrespectful way, and it’s really understandable that you would be upset. While looking through someone’s phone without their permission is definitely not healthy, it doesn’t change the facts of what he was doing so it’s not okay for him to deflect blame onto you and use that to avoid addressing his behavior. Repeated cheating and refusing to take responsibility for unhealthy behavior can be a red flag for emotional abuse, so I would encourage you to check out our page on that here. Ultimately it’s up to you whether you feel like you can make the choice to trust him again, but if you’d like to chat with one of our advocates, we would be happy to talk with you more about this and help you figure out possible next steps. You can chat with us 24/7 from our homepage at http://www.loveisrespect.org, or call us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474.

  5. Hello,i have been with my wife for 17yrs this June. The first 4-5 i was mean and jealous but i changed,she gave me a chance to.the last 12 yrs have been all about her.i raised my 2 stepdaughters from 3,4 and then we had a 10yr old daughter,4yr old daughter and a 3yr old son and i have been mom and dad for the past 10yrs now.her father pased away when my 10 yr old was born then about 3yrs ago her brother committed suicide, she has been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.i helped her get help,i started everything to help get her better,about 9mos ago.i gave her her time, i would take the kids on the weekend, i washed ,got off work and cooked ,wash dishes, bathed the little ones, ironed my 10yr olds clothes for school the next day,i combed both girls hair,i did everything and unfortunately my mother was diagnosed with limphoma cancer last February but sad to say i lost her in December. Well,a few weeks ago i was at work and i get a phone call,its my wife and i say hello,hello and nothing but as im about to hang up,i hear talking, to who though,i stay on the line and listen and listen for about 30mns.i finally tell my boss im going home its an emergency. All the way home until i pulled up,still standing at the door she is saying ,i need 24hrs to cancely coumseling session for depression ,so u have to give me time and besides hes forcing me to go his families for easter this Sunday. I was and am devasted,i confronted her and of course it was nothing she said but after a few minutes, she admitted to have been seeing him for a few months.the hardest part about this,she couldn’t go see my mother in the hospital,couldn’t spend time with her(my) kids couldn’t talk to me for 10mns and wouldn’t go with the kids and i anywhere! So please tell me why i should give her another chance or forgive her,please??

    1. Geezus Y?,

      Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you’ve been through a very painful experience and your partner has done something that really betrayed your trust and hurt you deeply. Choosing whether to give the relationship another chance is something that only you can decide, and this article is certainly not meant to suggest that you have to do that. It’s meant only to help those who do decide to continue a relationship after cheating by giving them strategies to rebuild trust in the relationship. If you can’t or don’t wish to forgive her, that is absolutely your right, and you have no obligation to give the relationship another chance if you don’t want to. If you are receiving pressure to stay in the relationship or have other concerns that you would like to talk about, we would definitely be happy to speak with you about that. You can reach us 24/7 through live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org, or by phone at 1-866-331-9474.

  6. Hi,
    Recently, I had an unplanned one night stand with my good girlfriend while her husband stood there watching us. I am a female but I am not bisexual I am heterosexual. We both happened to be under the influence but her husband was not. I did not have sex with her husband. It was something that I would never do if I was sober. I know we shouldn’t make alcohol an excuse but that night I was under the influence. I did not plan this cheating. I love my boyfriend and is happy with him. I still want to work things out but he now wants his space and I don’t know what I should do. Is there anything you can help me with.

    1. Hi Anonymous,

      Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like a tough situation and one that might be best addressed by talking with you directly. If you’d like, you can call us at 1-866-331-9474, or live chat with us on our website at http://www.loveisrespect.org. We would be happy to talk with you and help you determine some possible next steps.

  7. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, married for only 8 months. I just found out last week that she has been having an emotional affair with a coworker of hers. She says that they only kissed but she has feelings for her.She won’t go into detail about what happened, so I don’t know if I believe her. I initially kicked her out of the house. After a couple days she came back to talk. We have decided to try to save our marriage, taking it one day at a time.She says she ended it. I guess my biggest issue is that she works with her. I don’t know how to get over it. She is with almost everyday. I don’t know how to trust her. It kills me every time she goes to work, Stressing out, worrying that it hasn’t ended. I just feel such anger, hurt, and embarrassment. I do love my wife, and up until I found out about this we were discussing me getting pregnant. It’s all I wanted. I still want it, but I am just so scared.
    Any input would be appreciated. Thanks

    1. Jessica,

      That sounds like such a difficult thing to go through, to lose trust in your wife like that and then to be worried that it might happen again. It’s really important though to rebuild that trust and to respect her boundaries and believe her when she tells you that she ended it and wants to make the marriage work. If you’d like, you can call us at 1-866-331-9474, or live chat with us on our website at http://www.loveisrespect.org. We would be happy to talk with you and help you figure out next steps and how to find emotional safety in your relationship after cheating has happened.

      Best,
      Hotline Advocate CC

  8. good day me n my boyfriend we have been going out for 5yer I recently found out that he is been creating on me for the past 3yer , how do you Regina trust after that

    1. Dee,

      That sounds like such a difficult thing to go through after having been together so long. Rebuilding trust is difficult, and it’s a process that both partners have to be actively involved in. If you’d like, you can call us at 1-866-331-9474, or live chat with us on our website at http://www.loveisrespect.org. We would be happy to talk with you and help you figure out next steps and how to find emotional safety in your relationship after cheating has happened.

      Best,

      Hotline Advocate CC

  9. Hello everyone.

    My partner and I have been together almost two years now, and I found out that he was cheating on me.

    The relationship was really good, and I have always been honest to him. I caught him first on a dating app that was on his phone. I was ready to pack my stuff and leave the flat that we’re renting together. He begged me to forgive him and that he was never going to do this again. At the time that I caught him, was when he dislocated his ankle and had to stay at home for about 3 months as he wasn’t fit for work.

    He then told me that he was bored and horny and that he didn’t know why he did that. I told him that I was sure that if he didn’t have a problem with his ankle he would have gone there, and he promised me that he would have never done anything like that.
    I was really confused as in why would he do that, and I read threads online about that, saying that it could be out of boredom or also that he likes to look. which I didnt think was right but still tried to understand.

    The second time I caught him was when he went back on it again, but this time, met up with the person and had sex. He then admitted it to me an said that he was sorry that he didn’t think, stress etc ..

    At this point I remained really confused as I had a huge feeling that he was doing something behind my back. It was a big deal, he went for help to his best friend, who also came to see me and talked to me, and made me understand things without inducing me into my decision.

    I still got over it, because I love him and he said that he loves me and can’t live without me.

    Couple days later, I caught him on the app AGAIN, and came to speak to me (as I created a profile to catch him, as I was 100% sure) and was asking for pics and stuff, and also his profile was saying ‘HOT FUN NOW’

    So I called him and started getting worked up and told him to take his stuff and leave the house, he started acting stupid by pretending he didnt know what I was talking about then hung up.
    From that moment I knew something was going on and that it was him on the app. Anyways, he lied until a week later, I thought about it and was 100% sure that it was him, as the description on his profile was too accurate. I then told him that he needs to stop lying in order not to trap himself in a lie again.
    He then admitted again, but this time said that he knew it was me, that’s why he didnt tell me because it was awkward that we both knew, and that also he went on it to delete it.

    right now I don’t know what to do, I still took it. Im trying to move forward, and I also went on dating websites after the whole situation, as much as I didnt want to, but felt the need to please. I told him that I was on those site after couple days because I felt guilty and he said that he understands as Im hurt etc .. that he’s not upset.

    But we still carry on arguing almost everyday and its like he doesnt understand my point of you as he’s really opinionated and believe in his words. we also swear at each other everytime we argue or it just feels like we hate each other, when before he never used to do that at all.

    I don’t know what to do and please please I need help. is this worth carrying on ? I’m so hurt to end this relationship, even though I don’t wanna keep trying for nothing.

    I need a reply

    1. Hi, Kezya:

      What a stressful, hurtful and perplexing situation for you to be in. It is never okay for a partner to cheat in their relationship. You deserve to be in a healthy, loving, committed and respectful relationship. Cheating is a violation of trust and a form of emotional abuse. The constant cheating and arguing suggests that your relationship is an unhealthy and abusive one.

      It’s troubling that your partner has repeatedly cheated on you. While I understand that you are searching for the truth, it’s concerning that you created a fake program to catch your boyfriend cheating. Healthy relationships are based on trust and it seems like there is a lack of trust in your relationship.

      Figuring out how to build trust in a relationship after cheating can be a challenge. It sounds like your partner has made up a lot of excuses for his repeated decisions to cheat on you. It is not clear if he has stopped cheating and accepted responsibility for his actions.

      It seems like you are thinking about breaking up with him. Breaking up is a very personal decision and you know your personal circumstances best. I am going to recommend that you take a look at these related blog posts for guidance: Should We Break Up? http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/should-we-break-up/ and Should I Stay or Should I Go? http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go. If you want to talk in more detail, please get in touch. You can reach us by calling 1-866-331-9474, texting loveis to 22522 or chatting online at http://www.loveisrespect.org/. We hope to hear from you soon.

      Take care,
      LIR Advocate ND

  10. I need advice. I recently found texts my fiancee sent to 2 other women. The text consisted of “I love you” “I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t love her.” He swears that the text don’t mean anything but I feel like they do. I’m willing to work on our relationship, but I can’t seem to let go of those messages. I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I’m so confused.

    1. Hi Christina,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you have some pretty big concerns about whether you can trust your partner to be honest with you, and that’s definitely a really important feeling to resolve for the relationship to be healthy. Trust is essential to a healthy relationship and if you choose to stay together it’s very important that you do make the choice to give trust again, but trust isn’t necessarily something you can force yourself to give when your partner has done something that gives you good reason to doubt their honesty, as it sounds like your fiancee has done. If you are finding it hard to let go of those messages, that may be a red flag that you don’t trust what he’s telling you, and that feeling might be worth exploring. This sounds like a very emotionally complicated situation and one that might best be addressed by talking with you directly. If you’d like to talk, you can reach us 24/7 by phone at 1-866-331-9474, or on live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org

      Best,
      Advocate MT

  11. Ok, i have been married for 6 years. We have a 5 year old boy. I work offshore 28 days on and 28days off. I recently found texts on my wifes phone and found that she has been sleeping with an old friend of mine for at least 8 months while i was at work. Some of the texts was bad mouthing me, saying she loved him and missed him when i was home. Now that she has been caught, she is so sorry and says she knows she did a stupid thing and wants to prove it to me that she loves and wants to be with me. I do love her soo much and want my family together. My question is, how do i ever get this out of my head! Its killing me while im at work. Im not home to see what she is doing so how do i ever trust her again? I keep telling myself she is doing this because she knows she could loose her son, and everything else. I desperatly want to forgive and move on to trusting her, but when i talk to her, when i touch her,all i think about is them! Please how do i get this out of my head?

    1. Hi Dennis,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like your partner has done something that hurt you deeply and betrayed your trust in a really big way, and that’s not an easy feeling to resolve. Trust is essential to a healthy relationship and if you choose to stay together it’s very important that you do make the choice to give trust again, but trust isn’t necessarily something you can force yourself to give, especially when your partner has done something to break that trust. If you are finding it hard to trust her while you’re away, that may be a red flag that you don’t feel she’s truly worthy of your trust, and that feeling is definitely worth exploring. For some people, trust isn’t something that can be given twice. The betrayal was too much and they feel that they can never fully trust that person again. No one has an obligation to give a second chance if they don’t feel they can trust again. That said, if you have made the choice to continue the relationship, it’s essential that you make the choice to give total trust again, which means never looking through her phone, checking in on her, or using the past to control or restrict her. If you can’t do that, it’s a sign you’re not actually trusting her and that you should maybe reevaluate your choice to stay with her. This sounds like a very emotionally complicated situation and one that might best be addressed by talking with you directly. If you’d like to talk, you can reach us 24/7 by phone at 1-866-331-9474, or on live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org

      Best,
      Advocate MT

  12. My name is Rachel and I am 18 years old. My boyfriend is 21. We have been together for 3 years, and about 3 different times I have caught him on dating sites with other females talking to them, flirting, and saying how he would like to sleep with them. I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he says how he understands and we have fought and I have threatened to break up with him numerous times. The last time I found one was about 4 months ago. This leads me to believe that he has been on dating sites for pretty much the whole course of our relationship. I feel like our relationship means nothing to him sometimes. I love him and always will, but I really can’t trust him anymore and am tired of being hurt. I’m not sure what to do and I feel like we need to break up but I feel like I will be just devastated if we do. He lives in Louisville and I live about 70 miles away so he comes down on the weekend when he isn’t working. He is not very affectionate to me anymore and seems only wrapped up in playing video games. I want our relationship to last and us have a future together but I don’t know what he wants. I try not to bring it up because it only leads to fights and gets us no where. He had tried to blame the dating site on his friend and a few months later when I found another one he came clean and said it was his, even though I already knew. I just really don’t feel the same attraction and love and trust towards him anymore and I am unsure what to do.

    1. Hi Rachel,

      It sounds like your partner has really hurt you and violated the boundaries of the relationship multiple times. Only you can decide if you feel like you may choose to give him your trust again at some point. From your description, it sounds like you are generally unhappy in the relationship at this time. Even if you are unhappy in a relationship, breakups can still be really upsetting and feeling the loss of the good parts of the relationship is very real. Deciding whether or not you want to breakup is really hard. Here is an article that has relationship checklists to help you decide whether to stay or go. I encourage you to practice lots of self-care during this stressful time. If you would like to reach out to an advocate about your situation, they can help you go over it and come up with different options. You can reach us 24/7 through chat on our site, by calling 1-866-331-9474, or by texting “loveis” to 22522.

      Take care,
      LIR Advocate RG

      1. I cheated on my guy after he broke up with me because i thought all we had was intimacy. He was very serious but den we broke up after 5 months. He left me saying there was no future. But we used to meet and things still were intimate. Only taht he would do it and then say we shouldn’t meet. This happened 4-5 times. Nd then wen i thought that it was finally over i cheated on him.
        But den after a few weeks he came back nd i couldn’t tell him dat i cheated
        Now after 2-3 months he found out dat i cheated
        But i love him. And he does love me but is hurt. Says he doesnt want me at all
        Please help. Because i love this guy

        1. Hi Anni,

          I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through what sounds like a really painful and stressful time right now. It sounds like, when you say you cheated, you actually thought that the previous relationship had ended; once a relationship has ended, the boundaries that were established during that relationship are no longer fair to apply to yourself or the other person. It isn’t possible to cheat on someone that you aren’t in a relationship with, even if there was only a short time between when the relationship ended and when it began again.

          It sounds like there is a lot going on and like there could be a lot to talk about with a peer advocate–for example, boundaries, trust, mutual respect, and healthy relationship dynamics. I would definitely encourage you to reach out and chat with one of our peer advocates any time. We are here 24/7, and you can reach us through live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org, by calling 1-866-331-9474, or by texting “loveis” to 22522.

          Be well,
          LIR Advocate AC

  13. Hi ther,

    I’ve been in a gay relationship for the last 16 months. Understandbly, some people believe that a gay relationship can be different. I need advise as, in my situation, I feel humiliated.

    Back at the beginning of last year when I asked my partner to be my boyfriend, we were happy. He’s smart, funny, beautiful. But a few months later, I found rather explicit texts on his phone. For me it brought a sense of paranoia into what could happen next. It turns out that though he met this guy, nothing ever happened, but only three months into the relationship, it started to eat away at me. In the last 3 months, he has a new “best friend” which I never really heard of or met before. This best friend of his was meant to be moving away to Australia, in a week that all changed. This “friend” is now moving down the road to my partner, gyming with my partner, giving up his job to work with my partner.

    I became paranoid because this “friend” was being rubbed in my face.

    The dark part, it’s been recently discovered that I am bipolar. As of today I have finally ‘awoken’ from my episode. The last thing which i really remember as clear as day is probably about 4 months ago, when this “friend” came in to the picture. I can only believe that he himself has triggered my episode. Because of this episode, I became hurtful, I snapped at him, but I always made it clear to him that I loved him and that I would never be unloyal. But he pushed it to the point of me breaking up with him in one of my episodes and he could see I wasn’t right, but he still invited this guy over, and they fooled about.

    When I said that I wanted to break up, he suggested a break. I said no at first but warmed to the idea as it could help.

    For me, my memory has almost gone from the last 4 months and after finally waking up from my episode, it’s like I’ve come home to find the man I love has slept with another man, and not just any man, the man that triggered my episode.

    I’ve asked that he cuts this guy out of our lives so we can move past this (even though I asked him before and he said no). I know that my partner and this guy are in fact best friends, however they slept together, possibly more than once. But if I ask him to cut someone out that he loves as a best friend and it was just a mistake that he has made from my own part of being hurtful to him, all thats going to happen is my partner becomes depressed that he’s lost a best friend, I’ve lost my happy partner. But he wants me back and I’ve asked for him to cut someone out.

    I know that I will become paranoid with him texting people fully now, I know that I’ll want to see his social media.

    Is it worth me staying with someone who has the ability to trigger my bipolar episodes to make me look crazy, then cheat and try to humiliate me. Or is it better for me to ask him to cut out the person which caused all the doubt and mistrust in order to build from scratch. I know it’s not a long relationship, but we have fought long and hard to be together and when it’s going good it’s going great.

    Please help me decide, do I continue with torment. Or do i cut all losses. I love this man…even though I may have punched him for doing what he did. (Yes it was child like, and technically we were single when he did what he did with this guy, but we had every intention of working through things in order to love each other again, otherwise we’ll grow back to what we were before…resentment. Please, help me.

    Olly

    1. Olly,

      It sounds like you’re going through a lot and you have a really difficult decision to make. I’m so glad that you’re reaching out. Your situation sounds very complex and may be something that would be best addressed by talking with you directly. If you’d like to contact us at 1-866-331-9474, or through live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org, we would be happy to help you determine some possible options for moving forward and rebuilding trust.

      Best,
      Advocate MT

  14. I cought my wife cheating on me with a number of men on the internet. She confirmed that she has been contacting men but has not met or been physical with any. I love her very much and want to make it work and am going to see her for the first time today after being away. I dont want to do the wrong thing and wondered what the best steps are to get back together and be stronger than ever. She does not want to see a councelor so well have to do it ourselves.

    I am nervous about seeing her now for the first time since she confirmed as we have not spoken only texted? What do I do? Do we talk ? Do we hug and talk ? Do I open up ? Do I ask her to open up and explain why and what she has done? Do I tell her how I feel? Should I be asking all these questions or her? I am quite desperate to have her back, should I show this or try and be strong cool and try not to be too emotionnel as I am so greatful to her for not leaving me.

    I feel she needs a stronger Man and that this could be the base of it all as I am too boring and gentle and maybe I give her too much. We have been together for over 20years and the last 2 months has been wonderfull and I thought we were reconnecting only to find out that it is during these 2 months that she has started these cyber affaires. So I am worried that now that I found her out that she might be very sad and depressed without the other men. I just want her to be happy like she has been the last 2 months but without the other guys just with me. Can you help ?

    Any advice please.

    1. She does not want to talk about it and wants to put in the past. She says she sorry never ment to hurt me and wants to stay with me.

      Now I have found out through other means that she most likely has had a physical affaire and is most likely still in touch with them. Everytime I want to speak to her she says she needs time to think and has a nervouse smille on her face. She is still not showing any emotion or regret she does not seem to care and is asking when I am next leaving the country for work. I cant function, I am devasted and feel she’s about to cheat on me again. I explian that she needs to tell me everything as I want to forgive her and then we can move on but she wont even discuss it? She prefers too sleep in a seperate bed and prefers to message me than talk.

      I want to take her back because I love her so much but shes not letting me in. Shes still texting the guys that I am sure but I want it to come from her and not force her to stop as I want her to be happy. I dont want to start spying on her..

      Should I leave her for a while to think it over? What to do? We have 2 young adorable kids? Should I speak to her family or will that mâke Worst ? They would support me i know but worried it would stress her out even more.

      1. James,

        It sounds like you’re going through so much and I’m really glad that you’re reaching out. Your situation sounds very tough and emotionally complex, and may be best addressed by talking with you directly. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474 or on live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org.

        Best,
        Advocate MT

    2. James,

      Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you’ve been through a really painful experience, and figuring out how to rebuild after trust has been damaged can be tough. It sounds like you’re wanting to make things work again and ready to do what needs to be done to make that possible, but it’s important to keep in mind that a healthy relationship requires mutual respect and commitment, and it’s your wife’s choices that create this, so for the relationship to back on a healthy track and rebuild trust, she needs to be ready to work with you to make that happen. It’s important to be ready to hear her feelings and concerns, but it’s also really important that you feel that you can express your feelings without fear of how she will react. A healthy relationship depends on open and respectful communication. It sounds like you feel you may be partially responsible for her choice to cheat because you weren’t providing her with what she wanted at the time, but I want you to know it’s absolutely not your fault. Regardless of what’s going on in a relationship, cheating is always a choice, and there are many ways she could have dealt with those feelings without choosing to be disrespectful and dishonest to you. That’s not to say that you can’t work through this together, but in order to build a healthy relationship together it’s important to address unhealthy behaviors that stand in the way and put responsibility where it belongs, and her cheating is her responsibility, not yours. If you are feeling uncertain about how to talk with her about this, we’d be happy to talk with you directly about that and help you think about what you need to start rebuilding trust. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474, or on live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org.

      Best!
      Advocate MT

  15. Good day
    I’m in a dilemma. I cheated on my husband for the 2nd time. He is always abusive to me, always has been, especially when he is drunk. He is never at home, comes home drunk, calls me names, hits me, swears ugly words infront of kids. He really hurt me, so I guess I cheated on him to punish him for what he’s put me through. 1st time was 2years ago, it lasted 3months,then he found out. I stopped the affair. Then I started the 2nd one, I felt bad about it and I stopped. He found out about it a year later when I was expecting our last born. He hates me, denying paternity for our baby, but he says he wants us to try and fix the marriage for the sake of our other 2 kids (we have 2kids). Even though we are trying to fix our marriage, he is still abusive, goes out and drink and comes home spitting fire. Calling me nasty names in front of our small children. Shoving me around, calling me a bad mother who sleeps around. I’m tired now. I know I hurt him by cheating, I’m showing remorse for what I did but I can’t take the abuse anymore. I want a divorce now.

    1. Tania.

      It sounds like you’re in a really tough and emotionally draining situation and I’m so glad that you’re reaching out. I understand that you were wanting to fix things with your husband and rebuild trust after cheating, but given that your husband is abusive, that isn’t always possible. Abuse is a pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain power and control in a relationship, and abusive people often look for things that they can use against their partner to create a dynamic in the relationship where they get to control things. Because your husband is abusive, it’s likely that rather than trying to truly forgive you and rebuild trust with you, he is using what you did against you to maintain control and excuse his abuse. But there is never an excuse for abuse. If you’re wishing to end the relationship, you have every right to do that, and we would be happy to talk with you about ways to do that safely and get the support you need. However you decide to move forward, please feel free to reach out. We would be happy to talk with you. You can contact us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474, or on live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org.

      Best,
      Advocate MT

  16. july of 2013, year our 2nd child was born I found out my husband had been talking on the phone and texting another girl. When I confronted him he denied everything and over a course of two weeks he said he married the wrong person and vows meant nothing. He said he was so angry with me but was not talking to anyone. He completing distance himself from me and the kids. About 4 weeks later found out it was someone he worked with. So he was confronted again, and he said it was over and done. Once again found out he was still involved with this person. Nothing sexual or physical he said. We did counsel with someone for many months. But through that he never wanted to say what they spoke about or anything. In counsel he stated he is committed to me and the family and he was wrong. That relationship has ended but I find myself wanting to know what they talked about for hours and why he continued this after I found out the first time. So how I can I look over that and try to forget it. Thank you

    1. Hi 123456,

      Thank you for reaching out to us. Having someone you care about break your trust is a very painful thing and it can take time to heal. As much as his cheating hurt, he still has the right to privacy and to not share what he talked about. There also isn’t a way to force him to share why he continued the relationship. You always deserve to have a partner that you can trust and to be able to have a relationship founded on respect. Everyone is different in how they heal and what they need to move past something like this. If you are wanting to talk about how you can heal and move forward, you are welcomed to reach out to one of our advocates. We are here 24/7 by text, chat, and phone.

      Take care,

      Advocate LC

  17. Hello LIR-Advocate

    I disagree with this post I am a 32 year old male and in a 12 year relationship. Long story short as I originally met my GF in my 20’s I was immature and was enjoying my freedom you could say. I hurt her to the point she resents me and has inner hate. The past 6 to 7 years I have been completely faithful and took advice and applied advice like you have in my relationship. What ended up happening was I worked harder then the one who was hurt she ended up cheating out of hate and used my past an excuse. About a week ago I found out again and she’s using the same excuses… I keep apologizing to her that I was under 25 years old when I cheated on her now I am a grown man and have proven to her that I am more committed but it doesn’t seem to mean anything.

    Is it possible to mend a relationship after cheating yes! I am a proof it is but I personally don’t think you can come out better or the same it will always be damaged. It will have scars it just won’t be the same ever again. I encourage anyone with the strength to leave whether they are the cheat or have been cheated to find someone who respects you and respect yourself is the most important thing. I’ve read countless sites trying to figure out how I can fix my pain, my partner my relationship.

    “your problem is you are too busy holding onto your unworthiness.” – ram dass

    I think anyone who reads this post needs to realize what I realized … no emotionally healthy person is attracted to and stays in a relationship with a truly unhealthy person for any period of time… ever.

    The real posts we need to see are how to let go! If it were the easy to take some medicine to numb our pain and humiliation and move onwards. I wish everyone going through pain the best of luck! #love

    1. Mas,

      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts of the post. You’re 100% right that not all relationships can or do come out stronger. For some people, there is no way to fully get over cheating, and in that case even if the relationship continues it is likely to be unhealthy, because full trust and respect hasn’t been restored. For others, rebuilding trust and a healthy relationship can be possible. Both are completely valid and it really just comes down to each person in a relationship to decide what works for them. From what you’ve described, it sounds like while you have made a lot of efforts to rebuild trust, your partner has continued to use your past as an excuse for her own cheating, which is never okay. If she is not able to fully forgive you and move forward, she has the right to end the relationship, but what she doesn’t have the right to do is continue to use the past to punish you or excuse her actions. You’ve taken steps to rebuild trust, but you can’t do it alone. She has to be ready to commit to forgiving you and moving forward too, and right now she’s not doing that. You’re in a really tough situation and we would definitely be happy to talk with you directly and help you figure out what you’d like to do from here. If you’d like to talk, you can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474, or through live chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org .

      Best,
      Advocate MT

  18. I recently found out my husband has been having affairs with other men.
    I made the mistake of checking his phone, I honestly never touch it because I trusted him and loved him so immensely.
    But his attitude has changed recently so I decided to take a peep. My heart is crushed and broken, we’ve been together for years and have 2 beautiful kids with another one on the way.
    After much talking and tears this weekend, we’ve decided to give it another go. I love him and I don’t doubt that he cares and loves myself and children.
    Him being bi doesn’t actually worry me as I understand we all have different urges, but the thing that upsets me the most is that he lied to me instead of coming to talk to me first.
    He works away and has left for another week this morning, and I’m left feeling horrid that he’s up to his old tricks. He promised that he’s never going to do it again because he was truly upset with how much it hurt me.
    I need some time because our whole relationship and marriage, I feel has been based on a lie. But it’s only been two days since I found out and he already wants me to fully forgive him.
    I’m feeling as though I’ll never be able to trust him again.

    1. Emma,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. The way you’re feelings is completely natural, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Choosing to trust again can be really hard, because trust is such a vulnerable thing, and when it has been betrayed in the past, it’s hard to know whether it’s emotionally safe to be vulnerable again. For some, trust can be given again with time, but for others trusting again after cheating just isn’t an option. It may take time to see whether you feel that you can trust him fully again, and that can be a really tough period, so feeling that you can openly and honestly communicate with each other through that time is really important. It’s natural to have feelings of fear and suspicion right now, but it’s important to remember that those feelings don’t justify invading his privacy in any way. As hard as it may be, it’s important to make the choice to respect his privacy throughout this period. If you feel that it would be helpful, you’re also welcome to reach out to us directly. We would be happy to talk with you about some options to take care of yourself and assess whether this is a relationship you feel ready to trust again. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9497, or through online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org.

      Best,
      Advocate MT

  19. My boyfriend of 5 years cheated on my religiously with different women for 3 1/2 years out of our relationship. They were never the same women and they were always women off craigslist. The last time I caught him I told him this was the last straw, he hasn’t done anything since and I haven’t been able to find anything either. He’s continued down the right path and may be giving him an ultimatum was what he needed to realize I was going to be gone if this didn’t change, but I also felt that I was enabling him by staying so long. I mean I literally have no idea how many girls he was with and maybe it never got very far because I would find out and nip it in the bud before they actually had sex, but many women and men stated that they had been in contact with me and he was looking to hooked up, but they had never actually slept with him. Now we are at the point that when he wants to go out I literally have a mini panic attack, I cry and almost can’t control myself hes getting sick of it and well I am also. I have no idea how to gain this trust back but after a year and a half I feel like we’ve made little to no progress and I’m not sure what to do next, we live together and I love him so much it hurts. I just need help to find ways to heal.

    Major need of guidance!

    1. Jennifer,

      Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Having someone you love betray your trust by cheating can be incredibly hurtful and I can hear that you are holding a lot of pain from these years. He is the only one responsible for making these choices to cheat. The idea of choosing to give someone your trust again after they have broken it can be scary because it requires making yourself vulnerable to potentially being hurt again. Whether or not you feel that you can choose to give him your trust again at some point has nothing to do with your ability to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone. He has obviously caused you a lot of pain, but even so it is not healthy to monitor your partner’s behavior and communication with people outside the relationship. It is an important part of a healthy relationship for both partners to respect each other’s privacy and to spend time with people outside of the relationship. Your wellbeing and happiness are so important! You deserve to have lots of support around this.

      If you would like to talk about your situation further, please feel free to contact our advocates directly. You can reach us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week through online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/, via phone at 1.866.331.9474 or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.

      Take care,
      LIR Advocate RG

    2. read my post Jennifer you are only in a 5 year relationship if you plan on being cheated on some more, physically, emotionally, and cheating yourself do the right thing and leave. Forgiveness only gets you so far maybe if you leave some sense will come to this guy! All the best to you I hope you endure your pain and come out stronger! If you need someone to vent to I’ve left my email.

      1. Mas,

        Thanks for replying to Jennifer’s comment. I appreciate your support for her in this community, but her situation is uniquely hers, and it’s really up to her if she decides to stay or go at this point. Being cheated on is a very difficult thing to go through, but it is possible to regain that trust and move on from that to have a healthy relationship if both parties are willing to put forth that effort to rebuild the trust.

        If you’d like to talk more about your relationship, please feel free to contact our advocates directly. You can reach us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week through online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/, via phone at 1.866.331.9474 or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.

        Take care,

        LIR Hotline CC

  20. My partner of several years didn’t cheat on me per se. He had a habit of leaving me to have sex with other women, and then coming back to me once he was done, because he knew I would always be there for him. The last time he did this he slept with my best friend, and I still have not been able to fully forgive him for that. That was the final drop that made me leave him. However, I have known him from childhood. We grew up together, and have always had this connection I simply can’t explain. Even after everything he has done to me, I would still do anything for him. It is now three years since the last time he did it, and we have not been together since, we even dated other people in the meantime, but now we are trying again. The problem is that in those years we were apart he had casual sex with a girl he is still very close to. I do not mind them being friends, but she is with him every waking moment and sleeps over almost every night. I truly believe he has changed, and I truly believe him when he says he does not want her, but this is hitting an instinctive nerve, and as we have a long distance relationship at present, it is hard to see him this close to his ex lover. All I asked was that he tell her about us, and that he stopped letting her sleep over at his all the time. I never wished for them to stop being friends. Am I being out of line?

    1. Ylva,

      Thanks for reaching out to us with your comment. It sounds like the two of you have had a long history together, and it’s always possible to regain that trust and try again in a relationship. If you have committed to being in a relationship again with him, it’s really important to trust his judgment. It’s not healthy to try to control who a partner is friends with, and that’s great that it doesn’t sound like you are doing that at this point. If you are uncomfortable with her sleeping over with him, that’s something the two of you could have a conversation about. Setting up boundaries that both partners agree to in a non-coercive way is part of a healthy relationship, and it sounds like you are ready to have that conversation with your partner. All couples are comfortable with different things, so it’s really up to you and him what those boundaries look like. You know yourself and your relationship the best, so I can’t tell you exactly what is out of line in terms of the relationship. It sounds like you are doing everything possible to have a healthy relationship with him now, and that is hopeful to hear.

      It sounds like it might be helpful to talk through this further as well. You can reach us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week through online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/, via phone at 1.866.331.9474 or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.

      Take care,

      Hotline Advocate CC

  21. Hi, there! This might be a rather stupid question, but I have decided to try again with my boyfriend. I’ve been with him for about 5 years, and I truly love him, and I believe that he won’t do it again. However, my main consern now is how to break this to my family and friends… Everyone is telling me to stay away from him, because they know the hurt he inflicted on me. If I tell them now that I have decided to try again, I will feel pathetic and weak, and I really doubt he will ever get along with my friends and family. Even though I am a grown woman, even my mom has “forbidden” me to give him another chance. I don’t know how to tell her I have. I don’t want a future where my husband is despised by everyone I know and love..

    1. Hi Mia,

      This isn’t a stupid question at all, and I really appreciate that you took the time to ask it!

      Your friends and family may feel like they are being supportive and looking out for your best interests by trying to control your decisions or “forbid” you from trying again with your partner; in reality, they are trying to impose their will on you — and that isn’t supportive. In fact, sometimes that can feel really isolating, which it sounds like you’re experiencing.

      You are always the expert judge of your own situation, and it is always 100% your right and your decision to start or stop any relationship for any reason. Change is possible but extremely rare in an abusive partner, and it sounds like you have already done a lot of thinking to arrive at your decision; that decision is yours alone. It’s important for your friends and family to respect your capacity to think and make decisions for yourself, and not to make their support for you contingent upon whether you do what they want. If you’re worried about breaking the news to them, you are always more than welcome to give your friends or family members our information — our advocates would be happy to chat with any of them to talk through their concerns. Our contact information is included in the next paragraph.

      It sounds like you are in a difficult position right now, not to mention an emotionally complicated situation. Our advocates would be more than happy to discuss what you’re thinking and feeling in more detail any time you would like. We can be reached 24/7 by phone at 1.866.331.9474 or by online chat at .

      Thank you so much for your question, and I wish you the best of luck!

      Take care,
      Advocate AC

  22. I love my boyfriend very much but am having a hard time with our relationship. He has been divorced and has 2 girls. I was around the girls and after this past Christmas, it stopped. He says he doesn’t want to tell his ex wife about me because he is able to see the girls just about whenever he wants. He is afraid if she finds out he is in a relationship that she will get mad and not let him see them. I’m tired of feeling like the other woman in our relationship. I’m not allowed to be around the girls in fear they will tell their mom about me so my boyfriend has to live these separate lives. One with me and one with them. I asked if anything is still going on with him and his ex and he has repeatedly said no and that she could care less if he was dating anyone…. then why can’t she know about me….? He says he loves me, and I don’t doubt that, it’s just makes me think of how many more of these lives he could have if he is hiding me from her and now the girls. I know woman can be nasty but he also told me he was on a road trip with his son from a previous relationship, when he really brought the girls to Disney with the ex. One child does have autism so I would totally understand the need for 2 adults and I wouldn’t have minded she went so they could both see their faces there, but he lied and I only found out because I went through his ipad …. I’ll never do that again. I actually used to work with the ex wife years ago, so I know of her. I so badly just want to call her and tell her what’s going on. I don’t want to ruin anything with his kids but if she freaks out, then I’ve lost him anyway…

    1. Hi Amy,

      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. It sounds like you are experiencing a really stressful and upsetting situation, so I am glad that you did.

      When you have kids from a previous marriage/relationship, it can be really tricky to know how to approach the situation when a new relationship begins. Often it can take time for a parent to feel comfortable introducing their children to someone new, especially when they are unsure about the commitment and whether it is going to last. While it is completely fair that your partner wants to have a relationship with his children and their mother, it is definitely concerning that he continues to lie and omit the truth. Healthy relationships are all about respect, trust, and open/honest communication. So from everything that you said, it sounds like he is neither communicating openly or behaving in a trustworthy way, and that can be really unhealthy.

      You were right to think that looking through his iPad was unhealthy also, and I am glad to hear you are not planning to do it further. Even in a relationship, each partner is still their own individual person and deserves to have privacy on social media, phones and things like that. However, if your partner told you that his ex didn’t care about him dating, but then turned around and said he doesn’t want her to find out, those are definitely two conflicting statements that don’t really seem to match up.

      Whatever the reason for his behavior, you deserve to be with someone who is open with you about their feelings and respects you as a mutual partner. If you would like to talk about this situation more in depth, or if you have any other questions/comments, our advocates would definitely love to help you further either by phone 1-866-331-9474 or through online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/

      Thanks again for reaching out and take care!
      Advocate KB

  23. Hello here’s my story well my ex and I are trying to work things out from a bad breakup because of no communication, my issues with my daughter, sister, and her boyfriend on my part. And he decided to be with someone else that we both know more him than me. Come to find out recently he admitted to me that he cheated on me with this same person while we were together now I have trust issues with him because all this time that I did asked him he said no. Well today I was in the car and his friend different female called him wanted all of us to hang out and I did that before with him and he got with that person and that bothers me. He expects me to get over the fact that he cheated on me but at the time he didn’t get over the fact of my issues with my daughter. I don’t know what to do because I didn’t cheat on him but he did to me and I’m still hurt to this day. It’s actually a longer story but I just don’t know what to do.

    1. Alisha,

      It sounds like a really tough and upsetting situation, and I’m so glad that you’re reaching out. It sounds like your partner has done some things in the past that betrayed your trust and are making you feel that it may not be safe to trust him again, and that’s completely understandable. He not only cheated on you but lied repeated, and that’s definitely an important consideration when deciding whether you can choose to trust him again. It also sounds like he’s not being very respectful of your feelings through this. While only you can make the choice to trust again, rebuilding a healthy relationship is something that takes both of you, and open and respectful communication is really important for that. I know what a difficult and emotionally complicated situation this may be for you, and if you’d like to reach out by phone or chat we would be happy to talk with you more about it and maybe help you think of some options for moving forward. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-9474 or online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org .

      We wish you all the best!
      Advocate MT

  24. My fiancee and have been together for 4 years, engaged for 6 months and get married in 6 more. I just found out she cheated on me while I was at work. I looked through her phone out of suspicion and found texts to her friends mentioning “doing it one more time”. I confront her and at first she denied having sex with him. Then she finally admitted that she did one time. I don’t know the guy, her “friend” set her up with him. She said it only happened once about a month ago, she said it lasted 3 seconds, she stopped it and went in the bathroom and cried, then left. But I don’t know if I believe her. Especially after what she texted her friend saying one more time. She wants to work it out and she seems like she is putting forth an effort. How long will it last? She said she did it bc she didn’t think I was sexually attracted to her anymore. But I have a stomach disease and was in a bad flare up for the past 6 months and she claims she thought I was faking. Definitely was not. What do I do

    1. Whatnow22,

      That sounds like an upsetting and confusing situation. I can imagine that you are feeling hurt right now after you partner violated the boundaries of your relationship and broke your trust. Even if you have suspicions, it is not okay to go through your partner’s phone. In a healthy relationship, both partner’s respect each other’s privacy and use direct communication to resolve issues. How you are feeling after your partner betrayed your trust is completely valid. Only you can decide if you feel that you can give her your trust again at some point. That seems frustrating that she did not trust you to accurately share with her the state of your physical health.

      If you would like, you can reach out to us directly and talk through your situation with one of our advocates. We are always here to support you through this stressful time. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-9474 or online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/

      Take care,
      Advocate RG

  25. Hi,

    So I have been friends with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We took things to another level like dating in January. I am bi polar and have depression. I learn to overcome it but it is very difficult. Now onto the bad stuff. I cheated on my boyfriend 6 times. Varying from kissing to intercoruse. I feel so disgusted with myself and worthless. He still wants to be something though. He wants to see that over a 2 week period of not constantly being with each other could I actually fix things. I want to fix things. I don’t know why I cheat. I have what I need right in front of me. I try to give him the answers on WHY but I cannnot come to a conclusion other than it was a huge mistake. I want to fix things I want to change. I just need a good head on my shoulders and some great advice. Really at this point I’m lost. And if anyone could help it would be great. I want to marry this man. No matter what. I want to have children to him. I just really need a few steps in a positive direction. Thank you,,

    1. Kenzie,

      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us. I can hear that you are feeling confused and overwhelmed by the situation. Relationships can be really difficult to navigate without support. No matter what you are feeling, you are the only one that can be accountable for actions you did consensually. I encourage you to reach out with these concerns to us directly. An advocate can go over your situation with you, offer support and potentially connect you with helpful resources in your area.

      You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-9474 or online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/

      Take care,
      Advocate RG

  26. Hi,
    Do you have any suggestions for trust building exercises that a couple can do together? Or that I might do on my own? I live with my boyfriend. We are each divorced, neither of us have children, and we are in our late 40s.
    He cheated on me with his ex wife several years ago. He is still in contact with her, and lately has been in constant contact with her due to something in their personal life (I’d rather not get into details since anyone can read this.) Because of all the contact they have, I am concerned that he may be cheating again.
    Although I have asked that he stop all contact with her, circumstances are such that he sees it as not possible. I think that we could benefit from therapy but money is tight.
    Any suggestions you have are greatly appreciated.
    Thank you.

    1. Anonymous,

      Thanks for reaching out about this. It sounds like such a hurtful thing to experience, having a partner cheat on you like that. I’m sorry to hear that happened, and it sounds like you are having a hard time rebuilding trust in your relationship with him still in contact with his ex-wife. While you may not be comfortable with him still contacting her like that, it’s never ok to use what he did in the past to try to control his decisions regarding his interactions with her. It sounds like you let him know your feelings regarding this in a healthy way, so that is good to hear. If you are still feeling uncomfortable about their contact or think he is cheating again, you also have the right to end the relationship if it’s no longer fulfilling your needs.

      As far as trust-building exercises go, it’s important to focus on your own self-care. Practicing good self-care and putting your needs at the top of your list of priorities can really help you feel confident and help with those feelings of discomfort or jealousy.

      If you want, you can contact us and we can talk more about ideas for self-care and rebuilding that trust as well as possibly help you find a local counseling resource. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-9474 or online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/

      Best,
      Advocate CC

  27. Hi my partner cheated on me with my best friends and I forgave her for that but I can’t really trust her around any of my friends anymore I sometimes go through her phone and she goes through mine and I really want to trust her with my new friends but idk if I can I want to believe her when she tells me she won’t do it again but it scares me that she might do it again.
    Is there any suggestions you can give me

    1. Hi Drew,

      Repairing trust after cheating can certainly be really difficult, and it’s always up to you to decide whether or not you can trust your partner again after cheating. It sounds like you went through something that really shook your trust in the relationship, and it’s great that you are committed to moving past it. At the same time, it’s important to remember that trust is given, not earned; while it’s okay to decide to give that trust or not, going through each other’s phones is not a trusting or healthy relationship behavior.

      Our advocates would be more than happy to talk with you in more detail about how to build trust again, healthy relationship behaviors, and ways to deal with some of the emotions that you’ve been going through as a result of this. We’re here 24/7 by chat at , by phone at 1-866-331-9474, or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.

      Thank you so much for reaching out, and I wish you the best of luck!

      Take care,
      Advocate AC

  28. Hi, I have come from a three almost four year marriage with two beautiful kids.

    Lets just begin I saying I am the cheater, a lot of things have happened and I was wondering can A man push a women to cheat?

    It all started with a death of my husbands close friends, he pushed me away wasn’t coming home and when he was home we were fighting, everyone at my work noticed how depressed I was because quite frankly he was my world my everything and I feel so unwanted so unloved so ugly by him , so one day a coworker of mine asked me why I was always so mad why I never seemed happy anymore and I told him I don’t know what’s going on I told him what was going on at home and then I didn’t know how to handle the situation, so we started to talk and text every day and as the texting and talking began I felt wanted again and even though like I still want my husband at that time it just felt right with this other man because at home I wasn’t getting what I needed from him, my husband actually seen us driving togtherI tried to play it out like he was crazy like he seen some other person that it wasn’t me and I kept this like going for a year and then one night he checked the phone records called the number and found out everything he came to me and asked me to tell The truth he had to fight for this because I was blaming him for everything. And at this point I was so angry with him that no matter what he did nothing was going to make anything better but I seen the hurt I seen what I was doing to him I ended it with the other guy, and now I’m just kind of wanting to no how to make things better I’ve told him everything and he wants to make things better but he keeps saying when he close his eyes all he can see is the act that I have done I don’t no how to make anything better

    1. Hi Kylee,

      Thanks for reaching out to us today. It seems like what you are experiencing is so confusing, stressful, and hurtful all at once.

      With the death of his close friends, it sounds like your husband was experiencing a really traumatic time in his life and became depressed. It is normal when people are depressed for them to isolate themselves, have less of a sex drive, and not be as emotionally available. So that is when communicating openly and honestly becomes so important. In a healthy relationship, both partners communicate their feelings and concerns in a respectful way, to avoid any misread signals or false assumptions.

      Also, from what you said, it sounds like you were lacking that emotional intimacy that you needed. However, simultaneously, it seems he wasn’t in a very good place to give it. Maybe going to individual counseling could have been helpful for him to work through those emotions and good for you to get that emotional support that you needed? But ultimately, the decision to cheat was your own, and nothing that he caused or forced because only you can control you and your decisions.

      As far as fixing things in the future, communication, trust and respect are all going to be essential. Communicate openly with each other when you have a concern, it is healthy to do so. Trust that things can improve by moving forward and remember that past actions cannot be changed or undone. And finally, respect that each of you have emotions and concerns that deserve to be heard and validated in a mutual way.

      I hope things improve with time, but if you would like to talk about this situation more, or if you have any other comments/questions, our advocates are always here to help either by phone 1-866-331-9474 or through online chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org/

      Take Care!
      Advocate KB

  29. Hello , I have cheated on my boyfriend with one of our friends I told him the truth but before I told him the truth I found out he was talking to his ex girlfriend again we broke up then I found out a day later or two he starts Going out with his ex we was together for two years and I know what I did was wrong but it feels like he just using me for sex now while he was dating his ex again he was still having sex with me then I guess she left to the army and now he talking about he loves me and that he wants to be with me but he don’t trust me I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like if his ex girlfriend was still here he would still be with her I think he still loves her and I been honest with my boyfriend and I do give him his space and I do whatever I can to try and work this situation out but its like every time we get into an argument he calls me bad names he has hit me and he just keep bringing up the past and even with that happening I still forgave him because I thought he was just him expressing how he feels I regret everything I have done to him and I own up to my mistakes but the stuff he doing to me is hurting me and is excuse is that I hurt him first I just don’t know what to do anymore I just need some advice

    1. Hi Yolanda,

      That sounds like a terribly difficult situation to be in. Even if you cheated on him in the past, it’s no excuse for the way he is treating you now. The calling you bad names and hitting you during arguments are big warning signs of abuse, and you do not deserve that, no matter what. Having a partner cheat on you is NO excuse for abusive behavior. It sounds like you have done whatever it takes to rebuild trust in the relationship, and at this point, it may not be possible to have a healthy relationship if he does not recognize what he is doing is abusive and seek out help for himself.

      It sounds like the relationship is really complicated, and we would love to help more. Please feel free to reach out 24/7 by chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org or by calling 1-866-331-9474.

  30. I very recently moved away for a temporary job as a part of my school programme.
    My bf & i have been together for almost 4 years, all of college. For at least a few months, i think we’ve both had doubts about future things and if we’ll be long-term compatible, but we have an excellent relationship other than that – good communication, get along, similar interests.
    One of his friends has been my friend for years, and right before i left we talked about our feelings and how we’d always sort of had feelings for eachother.Then this friend came to visit me and one thing led to another…
    After actually living this out, i think both of us know we aren’t going to be a couple ever, dont really want to, and are just good friends. Is there any way for my boyfriend to forgive this? I am waiting until i’m back in town to talk to him about everything. I don’t know how to say it and explain everything in the best way. I don’t want to make things worse by telling him and ruin his friendship, but i know i can’t continue the relationship without telling him.
    Any advice?

    1. Hi Pamela,

      It can be confusing to know how to move forward in situations like this.Your boyfriend always deserves to be treated with respect just like you do. I can’t say if he will be able to forgive this and work on rebuilding trust again because everyone is different. It is possible that he would be willing to do so and it is possible that he won’t be able to give you his trust again. Both of you deserve to have your boundaries respected as you both move forward with what is right for you. If you would like to talk to an advocate in depth about your situation, we are here 24/7. We are reachable by chat, at 1-866-331-9474, and by texting “loveis” to 22522.

      Take Care,
      LIR Advocate

  31. The woman I love just found out I’ve been cheating and it was devastating. We have always had great communication skills and really have always loved being friends. We almost got married once. The relationship we had before the cheating was the best I’ve ever experienced. Great chemistry, great bond, great everything. Last year I was involved with another woman. She left me after 9 months before being single for 6 years. To say the least I was crushed. She left so fast I never got an explanation, that bothered me for a long, long time. After I got back together with current girlfriend and almost wife I felt like I had to know why the former girlfriend did what she did. To make a long story short I cheated. Now the current girlfriend is devastated and so am I. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Hi Mark,

      It is really painful to go through something like this and it can be confusing to know how to move forward. As much as you want to find a way to heal the relationship and move forward, it is important to respect any space or boundaries your girlfriend may need. She is the only one that can decide to trust you again and she may need time to decide if she needs that. If you would like to talk to an advocate about your situation in more detail, please reach out to us. We are here 24/7 through chat, at 1-866-331-9474, and by texting “loveis” to 22522.

      Take care,

      LIR Advocate

  32. Hi my partner flirted heavily in her phone with three different guys. She met up with on of them at her house and lied to me she is at work. And I found out, she appollogised and cried and that. So I gave her another chance. But after that I haven’t been able to trust her again and I have been mean towards her. So yesterday she asked for us to start afresh and be friends. She sai her reasons were, she wants me to get to know her again and get to trust her again, I think why she asked for space is because she wants to cheat again. Or maybe not. #confiused. Please advice on what to do. I wanna make things rite if I’m the problem.

    1. Wilson,

      Thank you for reaching out. That sounds really upsetting that your partner broke your trust. Only you can decide if you feel you will be able to choose to give your trust to your partner again. If you feel like you cannot choose to trust your partner again, it may be a sign that the relationship is not worth staying in. Rebuilding trust takes a lot of work on behalf of both partners. Not trusting your partner is never an excuse to be mean to them. In a healthy relationship, both partners respect each others privacy and do not go through each other’s phones or social media messages. While I cannot know what your partner is feeling, it is always okay for anyone in a relationship to request space at anytime and for any reason. When someone has requested space it is important to respect that. It sounds like you are in a really confusing and difficult situation. If you would like to talk with us directly, our advocates can go over your situation with you and discuss possible options. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474 or through chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org

      I encourage you to practice lots of self-care through this stressful time!

      Take care,
      LIR Advocate RG

  33. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years and 10 months. We always had the kind of relationship where he was very dominating and used to always tell me to do this and not to do that. I really loved him so I listened to him but still if I disobey or argued he used to verbally abuse me and in the end I had to apologise. We used to fight frequently and then stop talking but patchup again after some time. 6months ago when we broke up I came to know that he had cheated on me a year ago but I had no clue about it. When I came to know I confronted him and then he asked for forgiveness and promised not to do it again. I really loved him but the hurt was still present and the trust was broken. He changed quite a lot after that and stopped verbal abusing and his dominating behaviour decreased. But still we fight on silly reasons and then again patch up. The cycle goes on again and again. Finally I realised its time for me to move on but he again asked for another chance. I’m very confused about my feelings and don’t know what to do anymore. Please advice.

    1. Hi Gauhar,

      It does sound like you have been through a complicated and difficult relationship, and it’s normal to be confused about what you’re feeling and what the best next step is. You never deserve to be treated in a dominating way or with abuse of any kind; everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they are valued and respected 100% of the time. Cheating is something that can definitely damage trust; while it is always your right to choose to give trust or not to give trust, it can be really difficult to decide whether extending that trust is the right choice for you after it has been damaged.

      Our trained advocates are here 24/7 to talk with you more in depth about what you’ve been going through and what you’re thinking and feeling right now. We would be more than happy to work with you to identify what you most need right now and to come up with a plan going forward. You can reach us by phone at 1-866-331-9474, by texting “loveis” to 22522, and by chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org.

      Take care,
      LIR Advocate AC

        1. Hi Gauhar,

          Unfortunately, loveisrespect is unable to offer digital services for clients who reside outside the United States. Alternatively, you can contact http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/ for anonymous and confidential support, 24/7. They offer both phone (800-668-6868) and web counseling, as well as referrals.

          Best,
          Advocate KB

  34. Well ok one from the other side i have been in a relationship with my partner for almost five years and have a problem with emotional cheating.
    Several times i have sought-after comunication with girls via social media seeking to fill an emotional hole that has been left after being untrusted.
    which left me feeling less than a man, unappreciated, and some what worthless, i am a man that has self esteem issues and has problems comunicating my emotions face to face.
    For some reason i find it easier to open up to a complete stranger than my partner which i think should be the other way round but i always feel judged by her.
    i love her more than anything in the world and would do anything to fix this issue i have sought counciling to help with my comunicating but failed to raise the issue of cheating. I was recently caught talking to girls again and was forced to move out resulting in me moving state to seek family support really want to work at saving the relationship and have tryied being open about what has happened but at this point my partner is still really hurt and upset and is unwilling to talk about the issue.
    I have no idea where to go from here
    i want to be the man she deserves and can trust to be faithful

    1. Andrew,

      Thank you for reaching out. I can hear that your behavior and this situation have been causing you a lot of stress and upset. I’m glad to hear that you took the step to reach out for support. Every relationship is different and rebuilding or maintaining a healthy relationship requires check-ins where partners discuss what boundaries work for them in the relationship. In a healthy relationship, both partners trust each other to talk to and spend time with people of any gender. However, if you feel like you crossed a boundary of your relationship by trying to form emotional intimacy with someone outside of the relationship in a romantic way then that is completely valid to read that as cheating. You are the only one who can control your actions. While open, honest, and respectful communication is a necessary part of a healthy relationship, working towards communicating in this way with your partner can definitely be scary because it requires vulnerability and trust.

      If you would like to talk with us directly, an advocate could talk through your situation with you, go over options and potentially connect you with resources for support. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474 or through chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org

      Take care,
      LIR Advocate RG

  35. My boyfriend and i have been dating for about a year, we live together, and he has cheated 5 times I’m positive, and another 2 i am not sure of yet. First month we dated he cheated on me without reason from what people say its considered the “cupcake phase” in which your all lovey dovey and everything seems amazing, well during the first month he cheated with a girl on a online sit, i didn’t find out till months later, by then it was too late i assumed he didn’t know what he wanted yet but at this point he did, and it was long ago so i assumed let it go, about a month after i found out, we got in a fight went home avoided me i found out he was flirting with 2 girls on online sites one sexually one none sexually, i contacted one of his family members asked where he was and went to him, he was at the mall with a girl one of the ones from the website, i decided once again to let it go, everything seemed smooth, for another month, then a couple days before my birthday he said he was going to visit his grandma for her birthday, i recently found out that was a lie, but anyway he left to meet her by walking assuming they were meeting at a restaurant down the road but me and my friend decided to go on a walk around the block i found him walking down the road with a girl i had none of 7 years i freaked to smacked him and walked back home crying, i contacted her and she messaged me photos of them talking a whole week up till two days before my birthday, a week later i found him emailing a ex complimenting her, i found out he had been hiding it for 3 months, once again i was stupid i gave in 2 more times adding onto the 3 i was already hurt, when i thought it was over i found out about one more online girl across states that he said his friend was talking to on his phone when they were drunk, i contacted her and found out more proof with pictures and confronted him, yet i stay still, its been months now i don’t know if he’s cheated sense, sex is limited once a week sometimes a month, he picks fights over small things, makes me cry, doesn’t seem to consider my feelings, he deletes things still, and i am really hurting and I’m confused i kicked him out recently, and now he’s back but i don’t know if he’s being nice like he always was when he cheated just so he’d have somewhere to stay, I’m hurt emotionally and i have no clue….

    1. Sorry for the horrible grammar and the messed up sentences this phone keyboard is s little confusing.

    2. Jessie,

      Thank you for reaching out and being open about your story. That sounds like such a difficult situation. Trust and honesty are really important in a healthy relationship. You deserve to always have your relationship boundaries respected, and it’s understandable that you would be hurt by your partner consistently violating these boundaries.

      Even when frustrated or angry, though, choosing to respond to that anger in a way that is physically violent towards a partner is never okay. It’s also understandable that you might be questioning things, but going through a partners phone or email is considered an unhealthy or controlling behavior. IF a partner is not respecting you or your boundaries, you have every right to decide if that is a relationship that is working for you or not.

      I hear that this has been a really stressful situation. We are here to talk through your situation and help you find support, resources or discuss healthy ways to handle your situation moving forward. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-866-331-9474 or over chat.

      Take Care,

      Advocate RF

  36. My husband of 6 years cheated a couple months ago, we separated for weeks but within that time he begged to come back home n asked for forgiveness. I accepted him back n forgave…I just can’t forget. I feel so insecure on a daily basis. It’s hard. I feel very confused as well. And most of all afraid of him hurting me again. How do I deal with all this

    1. Daria,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and to open up to our online community about what you’ve been going through. Trust is something that is given, not earned. Even though you have chosen to forgive and to give that trust again after it was strained by your husband’s behavior, it’s not necessarily easy to move on from something that can be so hurtful and so damaging to the trust in a relationship. It’s okay (and completely normal) to have those feelings of insecurity and fear; it’s not okay to use those feelings of insecurity and fear to hold over a partner’s head or use an excuse to demand that someone “earn” trust back.

      If you’d like to reach out to us, our advocates are more than happy to talk with you in more depth about strategies and resources that you might try in order to connect with the emotional support that you deserve and to process some of the really difficult emotions you’re dealing with in a healthy and constructive way. It’s not always easy to share what we’ve been through or to open up about what we’re feeling, and you deserve a lot of credit for approaching this issue in an honest way and for taking the time to share. We’re here 24/7 by phone at 1-866-331-9474, by texting LOVEIS to 22522, or by chat at .

      Take care,
      Advocate AC

  37. I cheated on my boyfriend of 6 years with 4 other men in a period of over a year. I confessed when he became suspicious. It has now been 7 months since I’ve ended the outside relationships, where I have apologized a million times and begged endlessly for my boyfriend’s forgiveness. I know I hurt him deeply and I regret it everyday. My main concern is that he is still lingering in the past. Whenever everything seems ok, he jumps right back to the pain I caused him. I love him dearly and we want our relationship to continue but he won’t leave the past.

    1. Candy,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. Cheating is certainly a hurtful behavior and one that damages the trust that is so essential to a healthy relationship. Cheating or a history of cheating is not, however, a blank check that a partner can use to provoke fights, win arguments, or consistently put down, belittle, guilt, or shame you. Trust is given, not earned; your boyfriend has a right to leave the relationship if he is hurt and can’t reestablish that trust, or to continue the relationship and choose to give that trust again, but no one has a right to use past hurt to emotionally manipulate another person or to keep a relationship grounded in the past. A healthy relationship requires open, honest communication, respect for each other’s feelings, and the mutual support and space needed for growth; by dwelling on your past actions rather than communicating honestly about his present feelings and needs, your boyfriend may be limiting the space available for growth.

      Our advocates would be more than happy to talk with you more about what you’ve been going through and help walk through some options in terms of strategies for communication and next steps. We’re here 24/7 by phone at 1-866-331-9474, by texting LOVEIS to 22522, or by chat at .

      Take care,
      Advocate AC

  38. Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We’ve had a lot of downs but a lot of ups as well hence why we’re still together. For the past few months we had not been getting along and I was feeling really sad and lonely. I met a friend through friends and he has so much in common with me. We got along really well. We talked all the time. After a little while we began to hang out one on one and I mean we didn’t do anything we shouldn’t. We just hung out, went to eat or watched a movie. Nothing bad. I love my boyfriend but meeting this guy, I started wondering what if’s.. It constantly ate at me.. I kept wondering what if this is the one what if I’m with the wrong guy? I couldn’t stop it. I wanted my boyfriend and I to work, but we would fight so much over stupid things.. I just felt like he didn’t understand me like this other guy did. Then recently.. My boyfriend and I talked about taking a break that maybe we need to think about things and fix ourselves separately. We still wanted to be together but we knew a break could help with the anger and stubbornness. I agreed, but I was also sad.. because I didn’t want to lose him.. but then in the back of my head I wondered with this other guy. I told him I was down so he invited me over. We just hung out talked and watched a movie, then one thing led to another and he leaned in for a kiss and I let him. I kissed back.. after a little bit, I realized what I was doing and stopped. I wasn’t happy.. I was more relieved to feel that there was no spark that I kept wondering about. Nothing I felt with my boyfriend. I left right away. After that I texted him how bad that was and how we can’t talk anymore. I felt horrible. I have always been loyal 110%. I told my boyfriend as soon as I can.. I really hurt him, and I don’t know how this will work still. I’m scared to lose him, I know I should have thought about that before I let it happen, but I didn’t until after. During the beginning of our relationship I had messed up once and I said I’d never do anything again then 3 years later I did.. I don’t know how he’s going to forgive me. What do I do? Is there any hope?

    1. Hi Hanna,

      It seems like you are experiencing a lot of different and confusing emotions, so I am happy that you reached out and shared your story.

      While it seems like you felt what you did was wrong, initially it sounded like you and this other guy were only friends, which is completely ok. Even in a relationship, both partners are still two individual people. Which means that it is healthy for them to have outside time away from the relationship and to hang out with other friends(even if those friends are a different gender than you), as long as you continue to maintain those boundaries and respect for your relationship.

      Also, since you and your partner went on a break right before you kissed the other guy, it sounds like you didn’t really cheat on him. Breaks often mean that both partners are free to date other people. However, if you two had established that you still wanted to be exclusive, then I could completely understand why you would feel wrong for what you did. That is why it is so important to communicate openly and honestly and create boundaries when you decide to go on a break. Sometimes partners are not on the same page and talking beforehand will avoid more problems later.

      Concerning the healthiness of your relationship, from what you said it sounds like there have been some unhealthy things going on. Every relationship has issues, but fighting regularly is not a healthy behavior. If neither of you can work toward a healthy solution or respect each other enough to not become angry and stubborn, then that could be an indication that you two might not be the healthiest partners together.

      Sometimes, even when we really love someone, that does not at all mean that they are healthy partners for us to be with. Sometimes people can love each other but NOT work out in a relationship. That is normal and ok. Just b/c a relationship has been long, doesn’t neccessarily mean that you should continue to try to stay, especially if leaving is a thought that continually keeps popping into your head.

      If you would like to talk more about this situation, or talk about the health of your current relationship, we would love to talk to you more through chat at http://www.loveisrespect.org, through texting LOVEIS to 22522 or by phone at 1-866-331-9474.

      Best wishes,
      Advocate KB

  39. Hi.. Im 8 months into a relationship long distance from the start till now.. And i had a one night stand 3months back when im drunk after club.. I felt so guilty that i came clean and told my boyfriend few weeks after i slept with that guy.. He was dissapointed but forgave me straight away, reason is because im honest to him.. He say he would never leave me no matter what unless i told him that i’ve stop loving him.. But i still feel guilty and feel that my whole perspective of the relationship have change.. The guilt is still eating me up and im goin through depression.. What is happening? My relationship seems unreal..

    1. Hey Jesse,

      Thank you so much for reaching out to our blog community. Trust is a really important part of a healthy relationship, and it can be tough to keep mutual trust if the boundaries of your relationship have been violated. It sounds like you have had a lot of difficult emotions come up in your relationship lately. We would love to talk through your situation with you and help you find some healthy options or resources moving forward. We are here 24/7 by phone at 1-966-331-9474, chat or text.

      Take care,

      Advocate RF

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