How does grooming happen?

Special attention or preference is given to a teenager or young adult by the abuser. Abusers exploit people, including teenagers and young adults with unmet emotional needs, like feelings of isolation, neglect, chaotic living environments, and a lack of parental supervision. This means that grooming can happen to anyone.

To gain access to their victims, abusers provide seemingly warm and caring attention or support to gain the trust of parents and caregivers of teenagers and young adults. They win the young adult’s trust by gathering information about the teenager, becoming familiar with their needs, and addressing them.

Here is an example of an abuser grooming a victim:

• Young adult or teenager: “I’m planning to go to the mall.”

• Young adult’s parent: “I can’t take you to the mall because I have to work.”
• Abuser: “I can take you to the mall if you want to go.”

Gifts, flattery, giving money, and meeting even the most basic of needs are some of the tactics abusers use. Teenagers and young adults may also be influenced by techniques that include increased affection and attention they may not get from others.

Here are some phrases that an abuser grooming the victim may say:

• • “I know you love video games, so I bought you this game.”
  • “I see you like makeup. Let me take you out to shop.”

By creating situations in which they are alone together (babysitting, coaching lessons, special trips), the abuser reinforces their relationship with the victim. Abusers may enhance their relationship with teenagers or young adults by cultivating the perception that no one cares for them like they do, not even their parents.

An abuser might isolate someone in the following manner:

• “I’m the only one who really understands you. Trust me.”

After the abuser establishes emotional dependence and trust, the relationship progresses toward sexualization. By stimulating the teenager or young adult’s curiosity and trust, the abuser advances the relationship’s sexual nature. The process occurs through conversation, photography, or creating situations where both people are naked or unclothed (for example, swimming). Other examples include:

• Bathing or massaging a teenager or young adult

• Walking in on a teenager or adult changing or toileting
• Telling a teenager or young adult sexually explicit jokes

Once sexual abuse occurs, abusers often use secrecy, blame, and threats to maintain participation and silence. They also manipulate the teenager’s emotions and material needs to keep control over the young adult. In this case, ending the unhealthy relationship may feel more embarrassing and damaging to the teenager than continuing it.